Can’t switch off after confrontation Pt 3

Thanks you. I’ve considered and made notes on all the things you raised, and sharing some of this here for further coaching –

I put the thought into a model

C: Considering the thought that “I provoke bad reactions in people”
T: I don’t seem to be able to state my needs without pissing others off
F: Inadequacy, weak
A: Ruminate on the few ‘difficult’ interactions that I’ve had this year
A: Believe its something about me and that some mystical power that some others have to be able to skillfully navigate these things
R: I believe that if I state needs I provoke bad reactions in people

When doing this model, I was struck by an alternative thought – “maybe I give way too much spotlight to those few ‘difficult’ interactions that haven’t gone well and ignore every other time I state my needs or ask for something and it goes fine”. Those few times where I feel ‘confrontation’ has happened, are so few and far between that I can count them on less than one hand for this year.

I then started writing on how I try so hard not to say anything that could possibly be disagreed with or that could be seen as a different opinion, I follow other people’s lead in conversations and make sure I match my views to theirs, and I always approach things in a soft thoughtful way – to minimise any chance of the person responding badly. Maybe i have a belief that because I am so agreeable and reasonable that others should also respond in the same way, and when they don’t I’m shocked and find it scary and go into a nervous system response.

Somehow I believe I have so much control over other peoples responses and its my job to keep the peace and make everything happy and nice? I’m always the diplomat in the group who tries to create harmony, who starts a new conversation thread if chat dries up. although writing this, I also see how its a completely contradictory belief to the one I have that thinks I provoke bad reactions in people!

Ultimately I think I’d like to get to a place where I can genuinely believe other people’s reactions and feelings are not my concern or issue. And if someone responds to me with aggression and contempt like the situation that prompted this coaching, that I could see it was nothing to do with me. But after a life of treading on eggshells and people pleasing that kind of belief feels a million miles away.

I did some writing on your prompt about considering a friend who doesn’t worry about confrontation. I have a good friend who is so strong in expressing herself without censorship and does not concern herself with being judged. But one thing about her, that stands out for me, is that she really doesn’t seem to judge others either. She is open minded and non judgemental, and therefore I think she does not expect any judgement back. She’s clear with her needs – as an example she decided a week before a big friends meet up that she was going to change her drinking habits and only ever have one alcoholic drink. Despite a friend of hers being really sad that they wouldn’t be getting drunk together, she was very confident in sticking with her choices, as she was able to see this was her choice and it wasn’t a concern what anyone else thought.

 

Answer:

I don’t think that the thoughts that you have are necessarily that contradictory because if you are the cause of someone’s pleasant response to you, that also means that you can be the cause of someone’s unpleasant response to you. All roads lead back to the idea that you are the reason for someone else’s behaviors…and that’s simply not true.
The fact that the belief that other people’s reactions are not your concern or issue is a million miles away is okay right now. This is a process, and you’re in the beginning stages of a transformation. You don’t have to arrive at the destination tomorrow to be making progress.
Right now, a great place to start is to write out and examine how being agreeable and being aligned with others opinions or being the diplomat has served you. What has it done for you in your life? What comes up when you see this list? If you have access, have a listen to the People Pleasing webinar in the Cycle Toolkit. It’s so filled with tools and things to coach on. Come back for more coaching.