Challenging the thought/belief that I’m not open to relationships

Hello,

I’ve been single for about 6 years now after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, which has been my only serious relationship in my life.

Part of the reason that my 26 year old self got into that relationship, and why I stayed so long, was because I was trying to push through a perception I had that there was something wrong with me, because I couldn’t seem to fall in love ‘like everyone else’. So, in many ways, I ‘made myself’ fall in love, and be with my ex-partner, even though my gut knew it wasn’t right for me from the start.

I have come a very, very long way in my degree of self-awareness and self-trust since that time – after 6 years, I made the decision to leave, and since then, I have done a lot of internal work and I am immensely proud of much of that.

However, I still have a nagging chip on my shoulder about my capacity to fall in love and form a healthy romantic partnership. While I’m feeling strong in my own worth as a single woman, and enjoying many of those freedoms – part of me still longs to build a beautiful, healthy, loving partnership with someone, and part of me is terrified of ‘missing out’ on that experience of romantic love in my life.

Since leaving my ex partner, I have dated, but always very quickly come to a knowing that that person wasn’t right for me. While I do have high standards in the sense that I won’t put up with being gaslit, and I do want some level of emotional connection – I’m also not expecting perfection. I am just seeking someone to grow with, together, in a partnership where we respect, honour and support each other’s journeys.

I haven’t found that person yet, and the nagging voice on my shoulder keeps telling me ‘there is something wrong with you’, ‘you’re just too closed’, ‘you’re not open to loving anyone’, ‘you’re too shut down’.

I have some incredibly strong female friendships, which are strong enough that I would call them deeply loving, and intimate relationships – just not in the romantic or sexual sense. So, I know that I am capable of deep, respectful connection.

But, I have trouble shaking the nagging voice that there is something wrong with me, and I’m too ‘closed’ somehow to meet a romantic parnter.

In reality, I live in a reasonably small city (250,000 people) and am at an age (39) where realistically, many ‘potential’ partners of mine are already partnered and have not yet split. So, it is probably just contextual.

But, I’m having trouble reframing it and I’m conscious that that thought in itself may be stopping me from being open to what’s possible.

Any support or advice in reframing this, or taking action in some way, would be very gratefully received.

 

Answer:

You’ve done a lot of thinking about your backstory, but I would offer that you let that be and start asking better questions. Right now you are asking your brain to figure out why you don’t have a partner yet. This seems useful but it’s really just keeping you stuck. Can you see how it’s serving you to stay in the familiar uncomfortable of thinking something is wrong with you and that you don’t have any control because what you want involves another human?

A different question to ask is: What am I willing to do to find my person? What do I want to believe about my ability to create the life I want?

I would offer that you make an audacious dating goal, like I will go on 100 dates in 2023. What comes up when I say this? What does your brain start telling you? It’s not going to like it because it requires doing things that scare you and risk failure. Any good goal has to have a chance of failure. Can you see how staying stuck actually protects you from that while simultaneously keeping you from what you truly want?  For every obstacle your brain is giving you, come up with a strategy to overcome it and then just get going. You are a lot more likely to find a partner this way, but the real goal is how much you are going to grow as you put yourself out there. What do you think?

C: I am currently single in December 2022

T: What do you want to think to create this feeling?

F: What do you want to feel to take this action?

A: What would you need to do? Break it down into doable tasks. What would you not do?

R: I go on 100 dates in one year. (start here with the result you want)