Choosing the ‘right’ thing to ask a coach

Hey,

So, I keep putting off asking a coach because I want to ask the right thing, or, when I come to ask a coach, I then chicken out because it actually feels really difficult — to go deep into what i’m finding difficult, and to actually articulate it and explain it. When writing this out (and things like it), I will just completely switch tasks and do some other ‘to do’ or find some distraction on my laptop.
I’ve noticed a thought that I have (and have had for a long time) about asking for support/guidance – I hear myself saying, “I should be able to sort this out on my own” or I will imagine some other person, real or imagined, or someone on social media, and think, “they wouldn’t struggle with this” or “they would be able to sot this out” and then, in the same thread but another angle, “they would be fine with asking for help” and “I am not good at asking for help or support”.
There are a few big things that I really want to get some coaching on, but I keep deferring because I want to choose the “right” one and the “right” way of phrasing it– as though, once I put it out there, I have no power over it, or like, if I want to change my mind or say something differently, that it’s too late.

There’s also a fear that comes with trying to talk about an issue — that i don’t want to bring it up for fear of it making me feel “bad” or affecting me in a certain way. I know these are just thoughts but some coaching on the mindset around asking for help/support would be useful. And perhaps, whatever else you ascertain from this message would be really useful!

 

Answer:

We’re so glad to hear from you, and believe it or not, you are not the only TFC member to have said this very same thing when the write in for the first time to AAC. I hope that you take a moment to congratulate and honor yourself for taking the first step.

When you start doing something new and unfamiliar, like asking for help or clearly communicating what struggling with, it’s going to feel uncomfortable and it might seem like your fears are knocking on every door and window of your mental sanctuary. This will illicit a nervous system response, and it sounds like yours is to freeze or flee. This is very normal. Your brain is doing it’s very best to do its one biological job: keep you safe. You are in exactly the right spot for starting, and of course it’s scary and uncomfortable!

When you notice your triggering thoughts beginning to arise, your feelings begin to intensify, and the sensations that are associated with them in your body becoming noticeable, take 90 seconds to recognize and metaphorically embrace them…this is called processing. Then, ask yourself and answer this question: What would actually happen if my fear turned out to be true and how would I handle it? You can start doing that right now in a calm state to inspect how true your thoughts are and see what (no doubt genius) ways you will find inner strength and resilience. Let us know what comes out of this exercise and come back with questions, observations or for more coaching when you’re ready. Lastly, if you haven’t watched the Creating Safety video in the Cycle Toolkit tab (or if it’s been a while), I highly recommend watching it soon and using the worksheets as well.