Christmas – boundaries with family

I am new to TFC and haven’t yet watched the teaching on models as I have been watching/listening to the autumn workshop. In the mean time, I am struggling to decide what to do about Christmas and my mum and my partner’s family are asking us to let them know plans soon. My partner and I have figured out two options but can’t settle on either. One is to spend 2 nights with my family and then 2 nights with his. His family is big and they co-ordinate one day where everyone can be together. Due to his brother doing shift work, 27th December was the day his family was celebrating Xmas. This means we would spend 24th/25th with my parents and 26th and 27th Dec with his family. But this means that we spend Xmas with my parents again – it has been 3 years where we haven’t spent Christmas itself with his family and my partner feels that this is quite a long time and also that his parents/family feel that it is quite a long time since we have been with them. I feel that they have chosen 27th and if we went from 24th – 28th this is too long (I find his family exhausting in large doses). 24-28th with his family was the other option and to see my parents from 21st-24th. But this feels like another long set of time away. I am an only child and I also feel conscious of how leaving my parents is tricky on Christmas itself and feel a responsibility there for them as it is just them with my granny. I also notice I feel sad at the thought of not being with them at Christmas – that I would miss them as it is a meaningful time. I also feel like if we aren’t with them at Christmas itself and we spend 4 nights with his family that I need to make it up to my parents and spend 4 nights with them. My mother often feels jealous about how much time I spend with my parents vs his family and so we often try to keep it equal. Last year we spent 3 nights with each and were complete zombies at the end and vowed that we wouldn’t spend 6 nights away at xmas again. I want to look after my relationships with both families and not resent them all but I find myself wanting to bury my head in the sand. A friend is ditching her family and going to Bali this Christmas and I find myself wishing to join her. This is all set in the backdrop of my husband and I having marital challenges (we have been married 6 years) and my husband finding my mother a very challenging person. I find it very hard too when my husband and my parents are together as I feel everyone is performing and not being themselves. I find that I don’t like my parents when we are all together and my husband retreats into a shell but is often angry at me at how hard it is after these visits. This Summer I have had a personal awakening where I have been looking after me and feeling doubtful about my marriage. I expressed this to my husband and he was very upset/hurt and it was a hugely challenging time where I completely froze and lost my thoughts. I went to stay with my parents and he went to his sister for 2 nights. My parents really encouraged me to try to work on the marriage and we are doing this. One great thing I have identified is how much I value time alone with them and how I like them better when my husband isn’t there. As I read this, I realise how many issues are at play in figuring out Christmas! Christmas feels like a complete mind-fuck and I am totally stuck on it but think it is probably because it is an intersection of everything (family/marriage/boundaries). It would help to know how to begin to unpick the big stuff and to make a decision about what to do for Christmas.

Answer:

One thing that Maisie said in the Autumn Workshop is that you just have to make a decision. You have several thoughts going on here, two of them is: I value alone time with my parents. Perhaps without knowing it, you’ve given yourself an opportunity here – to live in alignment with your values. Consider what your values are when it comes to family and you, and if you’re living in this space, whether you can make a wrong choice for yourself.  If you went into your decision thinking about what you value most, what would you choose?

What often gets in the way of us living in alignment with what’s right for us is fearing what other’s reactions will be and how we will feel if they react that way. At the end of the day, we’re afraid of feelings. And feelings are just vibrations that we experience in our body. Keep it simple, focus on you, and see what possibilities open up to you. Come back for more coaching on this when you’re ready in a submission titled, “Christmas pt. 2”.