“Christmas pt. 2”.

We decided on 3 nights each family at christmas and told our families. My husband’s family were unhappy as we miss Christmas with them. I realise someone will always be unhappy. I feel that last year we said we wouldn’t spend 3 nights with each family but we have flipped the order of 3 nights first with mine and then with my husband’s because it felt easier for us. It felt like some progress and a decision just had to be made. I think we can aim to leave quickly in the mornings. I still feel dread about the christmas time as I often feel I retreat into being a child with both my family and my husband’s and lose myself and get into people pleasing. I want to enjoy Christmas this year and feel like my adult me, any thoughts?

Answer:

Congratulations on making a decision! It’s such a simple and monumental thing all at once, and it deserves celebration.
Now…onto your question. Lately, there has been a lot of talk in TFC about the minimum baseline – basically doing the bare minimum to move you towards reaching your goal. I wonder how that could apply to this situation? Instead of saying to yourself, “I have to show up and feel 100% like adult me when my tendency is to show up and retreat into being a child,” what simple thing could you decide to think and do that moves you closer to or into a space where you feel like your adult self without the expectation of having to be in that space 100% of the time? How often would you have to do that in each setting to consider yourself successfully showing up as your adult self? Come back when you’re ready for more coaching with part 3.