Co-Patenting Relationship – P 2

Hi Coaches,

After reflecting on your previous question—“What are you available for in this relationship and what are you not available for?”—I took the time to write both lists out, and that exercise was truly helpful. It allowed me to articulate my boundaries clearly and see where I’m still vulnerable to slipping into old patterns.

That said, I noticed that while it’s relatively easy to define these boundaries on paper, things get murkier in the actual moment. Especially in situations where I’m being pulled into familiar dynamics with my son’s father, I can still get confused about what taking responsibility looks like—and where it ends.

To help myself process this, I built an intentional model, starting from the result I want to create. I’d love your feedback—especially on whether the thought line feels strong enough. I know it is clarity I want to feel, and I think this model gets close. But there’s still a small voice in me that questions if this is “fair” or if I have done “enough” which I believe is just my old conditioning showing up.

Here’s the model:

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C: My son asked to speak to his father. We reached out. His father didn’t pick up. I messaged a time window for a callback. He replied the next day, suggesting that I should let him know again when he can call.

T: I have honored my son’s wish. I’ve done my part.

F: Clear

A:
• I do not take responsibility for his father’s engagement.
• I do not respond to the father’s message or engage further.
• I do not take on guilt or overthink whether I should have done more.
• I trust my son’s capacity to handle disappointment without overcompensating.
• I hold the boundary that I am not the relationship manager.

R: I remain clear on what is mine to carry and what is not, honoring both my son and my own boundaries.

⸻

What I want to feel is clarity—about where I stand, what my next step is (or isn’t), and where my boundaries lie. I hope this model reflects that.

I know I’m not available for managing or organizing the relationship between them or acting as an emotional go-between. And I can see how acting on his father’s response would have pulled me right back into that role.

At the same time, I am available to honor my son’s wish to connect with his father when those wishes arise from him. I’m also willing to facilitate a video call if either one of them initiates and to allow his father to take the lead if he truly wants to engage.

Still, I notice a lingering doubt. Even with the model and boundaries written down, there’s a part of me that worries my stance might be unfair—not to his father, but to my son. It triggers an old thought: am I really honoring my son’s wish if I don’t try harder to make the connection happen?

But I also see that this is where the danger lies—confusing honoring my son’s wish to connect with trying to fulfill it. That’s not within my control. The only thing I can do is open the door. The connection itself has to come from his father.

His response wasn’t a genuine attempt to connect—and I think part of the work here is allowing myself to stand in that truth without flinching, even if it’s painful.

So maybe I am okay with this model. Maybe what I’m doing in this moment—not engaging further—is exactly the rewire my brain needs. And I’ll hold that line until my son asks again, or until his father initiates a real step forward.

Warmly,

Answer:

The power of writing things down can be downright transformational, can’t it? Your submission is a testament to that, it seems!

What does honoring someone’s wish mean to you? What’s the difference between honoring to fulfilling that wish? Could this be part of the pause you need to facilitate the rewire and deepen the connection for and to yourself?