Coaching model help – birthday messages

Hello! I wanted to ask for help with a coaching model I got stuck in. On my birthday a lot of friends and family called and message and it was wonderful. Some, however, didn’t and I felt very sad about that, especially as I have recently moved to a new place and don’t yet have a network in place where I feel like I am part of a community. My model was:

C: Don’t receive texts or calls from friends on my birthday.

T: They don’t care about me.

F: Sad, unloved, unsafe.

A: I reach out less, I isolate myself, I ruminate.

R: I spend less time doing things I enjoy and feel even more isolated. The self-coaching model went:

Don’t receive texts or calls from friends on my birthday.

T: They have got other ways of showing they care.

F: Here’s where I got stuck 😃 I still felt sad and unloved and unsafe because at least some of them know that it’s important to me to receive messages on my birthday and thinking ‘They have got other ways of showing they care’ felt like dismissing my feelings. How would you approach the intentional model? Thanks.

 

 

Answer:

You are stuck because you still think the circumstance is negative. You have the words really clear, but it carries a lot of meaning for you. No thought you put on it will stick because you don’t really believe it yet. Try stepping back and really separating fact from story with your circumstance.

The most direct result of your first model is R: I don’t care about them. Notice how when you focus on yourself and withdraw from the friendship you are creating that result? In what ways is that true? Be curious and explore this. What would be different if you allowed yourself some sadness but you owned that you are creating it.

When you move into an intentional model try something like this:

C: did not receive texts/calls from x,y,z (name names, who are you most upset with?) on *Insert date*

T: What would you need to think to create this feeling?

F: start here. How do you want to feel about your friends if you had every option available to you?

A: How would you show up as a friend if you felt this way? What would you do or not do?

R: What would your result be?

You can’t control how your friends show up, and we never know why they do what they do. You always get to decide what kind of friend you want to be. This doesn’t mean you don’t feel disappointed or you don’t share things that are important to you, it just means you be your favourite version of you in the relationship. What do you think?