Coaching models, parenting support

I’ve been working through some models today, sharing here as I’d really like some support.

The circumstance is that my son (7) has intense meltdowns, (we suspect he’s on the autistic spectrum and are exploring this with a parenting coach). They are aggressive, hurtful, toddler style tantums that leave the entire family bruised for days. We’ve had two in the last 24 hours and are often more frequent in school holidays. Here’s how they often play out:

C – DB doesn’t like the boundary given by me, kicks off, is rude, says hurtful words, looses all respect to anyone in the house, is physical and irrational

T – total frustration, hurt, sad, has no respect for me or anyone in the house, thinks the world revolves around him, hates me and wants to hurt me, lost control

F – sadness, despair, distraught, desperate, unbelieving that this is happening

A – hold boundary (more of the above), show patience at first and try to connect, get angry, despairing, keep him away from others to avoid being hurt, isolate

R – total breakdown, both extremely upset, DB peaks, collapses, meltdown to bed, all bruised emotionally the next morning

This circle happens regularly, as I say, more frequently in the school holidays. We talk about emotions as a family, how they pass, empathising, they make us human. I try to be wiser, stronger, calmer, kinder in my parenting, especially when he’s in total meltdown, when I’m exasperated and struggling to hold an intentional model, which could look like:

Intentional model:

C – DB doesn’t like the boundary given by me, kicks off, is rude, says hurtful words, looses all respect to anyone in the house, is physical and irrational.

T – his brain doesn’t have the capacity to control his actions from his big emotions, he’s flipped the lid, he can’t listen, hear or rationalise, his words and actions are not him speaking but his distress

F – empathy, sadness, compassion, understanding, strength

A – hold boundary, stroke, cuddle, play fight, watch him on the trampoline, soothe (it’s very difficult to get to this)

R – bring him down sooner, have a sense of teamwork, loving, he understands I’m on his side.

I’m stuck in two ways, first, the intentional model, the Action, is really hard to connect with him, and this is why we’re talking to a parenting coach and she’s offering us support from his perspective. But also the Thought for me – I can feel my nervous system and activated as soon as he pushes back and goes against my boundary. And that’s where I hoped you might be able to help, to help me find a way of calming my nervous system as I know if I’m calm, I’m in a better place to support him.

Any direction you can offer me will be really helpful. My thanks in advance.

 

 

Answer:

Your circumstance needs to be only facts. Pretend you are a scientist observing a child. Describe the situation without getting in your son’s head. Quote him without adding meaning. Describe what is happening with his body. Play with letting go of the word tantrum as it does have meaning.  Right now you are deep in this emotionally so simply taking a step back and being objective is going to be really powerful. The rest of your models will be much easier to see when your circumstance is cleaned up.

It’s also important that the result is your result. Right now it is all mixed up with your son. What happens for you when you think he wants to hurt you? How are you showing up when your son acts this way?

If you truly believed your intentional thought, what would your result be? How would you show up differently when your son acts this way? We can’t control everyone else but we can decide who we want to be. Have so much compassion for yourself as you navigate this. You are the perfect parent for this child. It’s ok that it’s messy and hard right now. It can’t be easy for him either.