Communicating that I don’t drink alcohol

I would love some guidance on how to communicate that I don’t drink alcohol.

I stopped drinking more than two years ago and it feels fantastic!
Still, I’m having trouble in situations where people usually drink, and I have to “uncover” that I don’t drink anymore (at all). For example, this weekend I’m invited to a party where the hosts (my husband’s friends) don’t know yet – and I’m already playing through situations in my head and how people might react. It just feels weird.

I’m not an alcoholic – but I’ve been a heavy social drinker from my teens to my very late twenties. Many people still know me like that (among others, because of COVID) and react very surprised when they learn that I quit drinking.

It’s great for my health (histamine intolerance, digestive issues, rosacea… all that got a lot better), but I mainly didn’t like how I behaved under the influence of alcohol. I don’t judge anyone who enjoys their wine, beer, etc. and I have fond memories of my time as a social drinker (!), but I stand by this decision and, in my daily life, it’s not difficult at all not to be drinking. Now that I think about it, it’s something that I’m proud of!

I’ve been doing thought work around this topic and I know that it’s all about feeling like a weirdo and the fear of not being accepted in groups. But, as a consequence, I act weird and try not to talk about it in these kinds of situations. My best friends and family know about it and respect it; it’s mostly “the rest of the world” I’m kind of uncomfortable with.

So, to sum it up: I think that I’m afraid of the looks on people’s faces when I tell them that I don’t drink and of the pauses and the questions that follow. I would love to just behave naturally around the topic, but I somehow can’t when I’m around people that don’t know me extremely well.
Do you have any suggestions on how I could continue working on this? It has been bothering me for some time now and I would love a nudge in a new direction. Thanks 🙂

 

Answer:

So glad you asked the question. Let’s start by taking a look at your model.

C: Not drinking
T: I won’t be accepted
F: Fear
A: Think about how others may react
A: Don’t act like myself
A: Avoid talking about not drinking
R: I don’t accept myself

If you accepted yourself as a person who does not drink, what would it matter if other people had thoughts about you? People will always have thoughts. They have thoughts if you drink or if you don’t drink. We cannot control other people’s thoughts.

At the same time, your brain is doing exactly what it is programmed to do. Your primitive brain is programmed for survival. It believes that getting thrown out of the crowd will lead to death. So it makes sense that you feel fear when you are worried about not being accepted by a group.

The good thing is that our survival no longer relies on being part of the greater group. Our more evolved brain knows this, and can question our thoughts to see how they serve our long term goals.

You are clear about why you have made your decision to not drink. You like the benefits you have experienced from that decision. You mentioned that you feel pride when you think about your decision. How would you show up to a gathering if you were feeling pride about your decision not to drink?