Communicating with an ex part 2

Thank you for your speedy response and helpful questions to think about. I have made lists because that felt the easiest way to continue exploring

Benefits for continuing communication with her:
– Helps me say the things that I’ve kept quiet about for years
– Allows me to get it out of my system, without her interrupting or walking away
– Could maybe pave way for a friendship
– I have never told someone if they have hurt me or let me down, I don’t know what it means but this feels a safe space for me to do this now
it helps me practise how to set boundaries and communicate authentically in future relationships
– There is an opportunity to learn something about myself and how I am in a relationship, how I’m maybe seen by others and how my actions impact them
– Opportunity to have clarity

Downside
– She might not respond
– If she does I will have to read it
– There is a chance she misunderstands (it is harder to explain in writing I think) or doesn’t agree with what I have said and I will have thoughts and feelings about it
– She might share something I am not ready to hear, like that she has moved on with someone new
– it makes me wait for her response, at least for a while
– It might turn in to a longer drawn-out conversation where we will never agree
– it might confuse me and need to keep reminding myself we are not talking to get back together

How I feel about the benefits:
I think it will be good for me to get some things out of my system, I don’t want to say mean or hurtful things just for the sake of it or with the intention of hurting her but I feel I was silenced completely at the end of the relationship. With no way of expressing what I though or felt as she broke off all communication. This has been sitting in my body, my throat feels tight and there are times these physical sensations add to my anger. I want to tell her that despite her saying she will be there for me I can’t trust it as she has shown me that won’t be and that if she means this I would need evidence. But I don’t know what that is.. I have kept things to myself, I haven’t expressed my anger or sadness because I was afraid of pushing her away. I keep second guessing myself, and shoulding myself. I should just let go and choose to move on. I should be okay with this by now. I should just write the email and not send it. I should’ve been stronger before and told her how I felt. But, to me this feels important. It will be the first time I would have told someone that they let me down or hurt me. I have never been good at setting expectations and even worse at holding someone to them so I feel it is important to be clear with her. And then see what happens.

How I feel about the downside:
I feel calmer about the negatives. I think I can handle her not getting in touch. The thing that does make me anxious is what her response will be.
I think the biggest worry I have is that I forget that we are over, that regardless of what happens now or what is said the relationship ended and I do not want to get back in to it. I am finding it hard to fully grasp that we’ll never see each other again, even if I know it’s for the best.

I would appreciate your thoughts on the things that I have listed here and what else would be helpful for me to consider? Thank you!

 

Answer:

 

This is an investigative list of reasons why you both would and would not reach out. Which reasons can you fully get behind to have your own back?

Here are three reasons to have hard conversations with someone else (verbally or otherwise): to understand, to connect, to communicate. Pay attention to what your goal is and what result you’d like to create for yourself. It sounds to me like you’d like to communicate your feelings and experience. You’ve mentioned some reasons why – the opportunities it presents for you. Why else? Explore whether there may be boundaries that you want to set or requests that you want to make that will support your healing. What do you need to/want to feel to be able to communicate about your experience? What feelings or quality of emotion do you want to bring to this discourse? In hard conversations, you always have the choice to lead with love and kindness for yourself and those involved.

Notice whether, in any of this, your ex shows up in an R line. If she does, go back to the drawing board. You will never be able to create a result for someone else, and nobody will be able to create a result for you either. That is entirely up to you. What do you notice coming up for you? Come back for more coaching on it.