Communication & Misunderstandings

Dear coaches,

in my relationship I often struggle with a pattern of conflict where we end up fighting about the exact way somebody said something (as in the exact wording).
Often, my bf says “But you said XYZ” and I go: “No, I didn’t say it exactly like this” or “I didn’t mean it this way, you are taking it out of context and that changes the complete meaning of it”.
I am aware that this likely happens due to the different realities and stories we have in the moment. Here is the model i find myself in, during and after these kind of conflicts.

C: Conflict with bf about exact wording of things I said.
T: He does not get me.
S: frowning, head retracts slightly.
F: Frustration.
A: Trying to replay the exact situation+words, but bc I am emotional things get coloured and remembered differently and I am unable to recall every little detail.
I fight fiercely to state what I have said/not said. I feel unfairly judged and somehow helpless, as more words seem to not help but only make the “problem” bigger. This leads to more frustration and more misunderstandings.
R: I am unable to communicate what is going on in me.

I would appreciate some coaching on this. Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

I would offer that in your model, another possible Result is R: I don’t get him.

We can never know what another person is thinking, nor do we generally do models for other people, but I wonder in this situation if it could be helpful for you to take a step back and do a model for your bf. If you had a similar circumstance but flipped for him, what would his experience be?

Start by getting your circumstance just a little bit more factual. You have the word “conflict” in there and that’s definitely subjective and open to interpretation. It also tends to bring up emotions and even a nervous system reaction. How could you make it simply the facts?

Can you see how when your brain gets caught up in the details of who said what, you’re missing the part where your partner is trying to explain how they feel to you? What do you want the goal of your communications to be? What emotion are you looking for? What emotion are you most afraid of?  It sounds to me like you don’t like being misunderstood. Why is that so uncomfortable for you? Is it triggering anything inside of you?

See what you find as you explore. Bring back any questions or models.