Confusion about Autism

A few years ago I heard a woman talking about her autism diagnosis. When I heard her talk, it blew my mind that someone like her could have autism. I began to wonder if I also could be autistic. I think this wondering stemmed from feeling different, from struggling with black and white thinking, and from life-long social anxiety and struggle to make and keep friends. I was excited by the fact there could potentially be a label, and a reason, for why I was struggling.

I asked the doctor to refer me, which she did, and I have since been waiting for my assessment. Autism has become an obsession of mine, and I have learned a lot about it. My assessment is coming up, due to take place in a few months.

However, I am in a volatile doubt cycle about whether I actually am or am not autistic. Though I can sometimes feel different from others, I don’t see myself as another ‘species’ – I feel like we are all human, and struggling with things in different ways. I was not a strange child, just shy and a little anxious. I have experienced some trauma, which could explain some of my traits. I am not super duper clever, just average.

Basically, I don’t feel like I am ‘extreme’ enough to be autistic.

I have one friend who believes I am, but my family and boyfriend are on the fence – they said I could be, but they are not sure.

No matter how much I research about the topic, searching for an answer, I cannot put the doubt to rest. I even arranged a conversation with an autistic coach and assesor, who told me she thinks I am on the right track with persuing a diagnosis – but a large part of me doesnt believe her.

I don’t have much hope for the assessment – I have no idea of the clinicians experience, and it feels like a lucky dip as to whether they will think I am or am not autistic – probably swayed by how much I believe I am myself.

I feel a lot of shame around this doubt, and around wanting a diagnosis. I feel undeserving and like an imposter. I feel like it may be my ego escaping the pain of struggling by attatching to this potential label – and though understandable, I am embarrassed.

This is taking up a lot of ‘real-estate’ in my head. How can I find some peace from this cycle of confusion?

Answer:

This is a great submission and one a topic that other Flow-ers have also written in about. You are not alone in this experience. I love that even after you had a chat with a person very familiar with autism, your brain is still saying, “Don’t believe her.” This is just a little proof that it’s not other people or circumstances that have us feeling the ways we do, it’s our thoughts about them. It’s okay. Your brain is trying to protect you from something, and it’s doing what it knows best. This does not mean that you’re doing the wrong thing or that you’re not where you should be. All it means is that your brain is responding in default mode because it has thoughts about what this means for you whether you get an autism diagnosis or not. AND, not all of those thoughts are true. Deep breath. And another…
Now, I want you to take a minute or a few minutes to remember why you are pursuing this assessment in the first place. Write it down. Why is this important to you? Even if it’s just one thing, curiosity for example, that is enough of a reason to seek a diagnosis. When we are clear on and like our reasons for why we do what we do, it creates the opportunity for us to have a strong foundation to rest on even when we feel doubtful. What are your Why’s (or your singular Why) and do you like them enough to have your own back? Why or why not?
Come back to us with a follow up submission titled, “Confusion about Autism pt. 2”. Lastly, be on the lookout for Maisie’s upcoming podcast episodes and coaching calls about identity shifts – they will no doubt be very helpful for you in this time!