Confusion about Autism pt. 4

The response to pt.3 was so helpful and supportive, thank you. It feels so good for my feelings to be validated, which is what I felt when reading ” It can be very triggering and feel very scary to think that those who you love the most might not believe you.” It really is.

Since pt.3, I managed to explain to my partner a little bit about why I felt so hurt. He accepted what I said and we have ‘made up’. However, the topic has come up again, and is unresolved. He thinks that because I don’t have meltdowns in public and because I can control my behaviour in public, I am lower on the scale of autism, if autistic at all. He has become defensive around this issue because he feels like I am “telling him off” if I try to explain it from a different perspective.

When this came up yesterday, I spent some time alone to regulate. I did some of Victoria Albinas exercises and I wrote out some thoughts I could rely on to climb up the autonomic ladder. The thoughts were “I believe me” and “My experience is real” and “People are allowed to have their own opinions” and “I am loved”.

It definitely helped to regulate my system, and I managed to open up the communication lines with my partner again after doing these exercises – something that I find very difficult, as my habit is to withdraw into myself and create distance. To open up to him, I said I am hurting. We talked a little bit about why. Again, he became defensive, and said I am telling him off. In the end, we just hugged and made up without talking it through.

So we have made up, but not quite resolved the problem in words. I think he is not receptive to talking about this issue at the moment, making it very painful for me when I try to raise it. I am now left with a niggling sense that he doesn’t understand something fundamental about me. I’d love to have his support, his interest in my experience even, but it doesn’t seem like he is able to give it at present. I am thinking that I need to stop confiding in him in order to keep myself safe from hurt.

I’m also thinking that if I am diagnosed, he will take me seriously. If I am not diagnosed, I will look stupid.

C Thinking about autism

T I need to stop confiding in my partner

F Sadness, loneliness

A I withdraw, I create distance between us, I feel scared when I do share (because I can’t really stop myself from sharing), I ruminate

R I create distance in my relationship and feel alone

Writing this out, I realise that what I want is to feel validated and supported. I guess I need to focus on validating and supporting myself. The regulating thoughts I mentioned above help with this.

I can picture how what it would look like to support and validate myself, and accept where other people are with their opinions and perspectives… however, I am not fully able to reside in that place yet. There is a child in me that desperately wants the people around me to understand. She feels angry that the people closest to me not only don’t understand, but are not open or receptive enough to try to understand yet.

I want to be in harmony with my partner. I don’t want conflict. However, I feel distant from him because of these gaps between us that are not bridged. How can I be connected and harmonious, whilst not ignoring these intense discordant feelings within? Whilst also respecting his apparent wish to not talk about these subjects?

 

 

Answer:

Very often the people closest to us are not able to support us in the way we wish they would. We have beliefs that they should and that is where we get stuck in a lot of pain because the only way out is for them to change their behaviour. It’s ok to process some disappointment or sadness about how this discussion (or lack thereof) about autism is going. It’s ok that your inner child is desperately wanting validation. Just own the pain that you are creating by having a manual for your partner. A manual is a set of rules we want people to follow so we can feel better. Write down all the things you think he should do so you can be connected and harmonius. Write down what you’re making it mean. Be honest and just let it all out. As you look at your list, what are some of the things you could be doing for yourself? Which parts of the manual could you drop? Be open to new ideas of where to get the support you want right now. Write those down. I you shift your focus from what your partner isn’t doing to trusting you’ll figure this out, how does it feel?

Here are a few ladder thoughts that might help you as you work through this:

I can be in harmony with my partner even if we disagree about this.

I can handle some discordant feelings while I figure this out.

This isn’t going to last forever. (stay present when your brain wants to go to worst case scenario for your relationship)

I want to understand the people closest to me, and I’m open and ready to try.

Create some ladder thoughts of your own and see what resonates. You’ve got this.