Connecting with my kids

Hi coaches,

I’ve noticed a niggling feeling that I want to explore around spending time with my 2 children who are 6 and 9. When they were younger, I did so much craft and play with them but as they’ve got older, started school and their interests have changed, I’m finding it harder to do. They are usually pretty exhausted and very needy after school but also bicker constantly so it’s hard to be with them both at the same time. I feel like my youngest is missing out on the things I did with my son at her age because at that time they both liked doing the same thing usually and I wasn’t working too!

I’m aware lots of my thoughts are rooted in perfectionism and unrealistic expectations on what’s possible for me and them. I think if I want to change my focus from how many play activities I can set up for them (which look great as photos but in reality are lots of work and often not much appreciated!) to looking for moments of deep connection through simple things like reading and drawing together.

I really like to have a timetable /template of my week as it helps me to feel in control and not so overwhelmed so I’ve created one as a guide and also thought about printing off a few activities that I might be able to do if and when I have time. However I’d love some guidance on if you think this is veering into perfectionism again.

UM
C- after school and weekends with my children
T – I should be doing lots of activities and nice things with them
F – agitated and overwhelmed
A – procrastinate about which activities, search online, set things up and feel annoyed if they go wrong, put lots of pressure on everything to go perfectly
R – believe I’ve failed and am letting the kids down.

IM
C – same
T – (I’m struggling to find this…)
F – Relaxed and open
A – look for ways and opportunities for connection
A- have simple timetable that I can use as a template e.g. reading Monday, baking, Saturday and a folder with ideas for when I have more time
A – aim for 10 minutes 1-2-1 time with both children before bed
R – feel deep connection with the children

Sorry if this a bit unclear – it’s something I’ve known I need to address for a while and now trying to unpick it all!

Thanks so much x

 

 

Answer:

A lovely start to your unpicking. How do you feel since you’ve written this all out? What has your inner wisdom been whispering to you?

I would offer that you think about the activities you were doing with your children. Why do you do them? What do you make it mean about you as a parent if you do them, or if you don’t do them? What do you make it mean if you do them and it’s not actually that enjoyable and more for pictures?

To find your thought in the intentional model, try writing down your core values as a parent. What kind of parent do you want to be?  What values do you hope to model for your children, what do you want to teach them? When we know who we want to be, the rest is just details. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job adjusting to your children’s needs as they grow. What do you think?