Connection to my partner

I’m not sure how to begin or ask my question, so i‘m trying a thought download. I apologise in advance, since I’m not a native speaker and am struggling with concentrating ( I suspect I have ADHD….have to have that checked)
At the moment, I have the feeling I am loosing the connection to myself and my partner and that we are stuck in our relationship and I’ve always had a hard time connecting to my partner because he builds a wall around his feelings, getting angry when I bring up problematic issies such as our sex life (which has always been problematic, him wanting more, me withdrawing and closing up, now its the other way round)
But I’ve to start from the begining: We‘ve been in a relationship for 13 years having two kids age 8 and 2.
It‘s alway been difficult, we were never good at talking about our problems and as i‘ve said had a difficult love life but somehow managed to stay in this relationship and have two kids.
I had a postpartum depression which I found out when my eldest was 2 going to therapy ( psychoanalysis) which helped a lot. My partner walled up during that time giving me little support, but over the time it got better. I made him go to couples counseling at that time twice, which led to my decision taking on therapy, but he said he never wanted to go again feeling embarrassed to talk to a stranger about our intimate relationship……
I always wanted to have a second child and he had a hard time deciding yes or no. But in the end he went with it, so our second child was born two years ago. We are very happy having two, kids, a family, but struggle with everyday life so that our relationship is stepping in the background.
I love my partner and think we are a great couple, but get really angry when I can‘t talk to him about feelings, then feeling guilty about my anger….
We slowly lost our sex life after our second child, having always struggled with a rythm or talking about it.
It slowly began after our second child was born( difficult times anyway: pandemic, my dad died when our baby was three months old) that my partner went into freeze mode when I hugged him or kissed him. When I made an attempt to sleep with him he often turned away saying that he didn‘t want to because he had the feeling I was just doing it to please him. In some ways he is right because i feel very insecure about this topic and shameful, thinking I‘m responsible for the wellbeing of our relationship….
Now it‘s like that he doesn‘t want sex just once a year or so when it’s something special….
I feel anxious and panic about this because I don‘t feel validated.
He said his freeze is probably a coping mechanism, but it hurts my feelings every time I try to touch him or give him a kiss.
With the kids he is relaxed so i get jealous which is a horrible thought and i feel guilty again……
Sorry, I‘m not sure if im making sense but desperately need help and stop panicing.
So i‘ll stop here and ask,
How can i get connected with my partner again without being so afraid of talking about our problems?
Thanx very much in advance, hope it wasn’t a load of gibberish…..

 

 

Answer:

First, give yourself a big hug. It is so brave of you to come here for help with something that is tender.

What we usually try to do to fix our relationship is to change our partner. It’s easy to see their faults and how everything would be better if they would just change. We call this a manual. It’s list of rules our partner should follow so we can feel better. It sounds like you’ve tried this and it hasn’t been working. It usually doesn’t because we can’t control people, and our emotions don’t come from what other people do, they come for our thoughts. Even if you can get your partner to do what you want, it’s usually for the wrong reasons so you still find yourself unhappy.

The way to get connected with your partner is to get connected with you. The Flow Collective is the perfect place to do that. You’ll be amazed how much your relationship can change just by you taking responsibility for you.

You’ve done a wonderful thought download of the problems you see. Go back through what you’ve written and pull out the thoughts and the facts.

Then try a thought download of how you want your relationship to be. Focus on you: How you want to feel, how often you want sex, what kind of partner you want to be. This will help you take the first step to figuring out what you want.

Bring your insights and questions back to AAC and we’ll help you take the next step.