Conversations with my mother

I chat with my mother a couple of times a week (usually video call). I often feel frustrated or sad after these calls. Sometimes they make me cry.
As soon as I mention anything “negative” she tries to problem solve and tell me what to do. I then feel criticised and judged. She often suggests something I have already tried or thought of, then I feel patronised and incapable.
Because of this pattern, I am reluctant to share my worries with her – as I end up feeling worse.
She is very intolerant of “negative” emotions. Even when I was getting professional help with mental health issues (not especially serios ones but a big deal at the time), she would tell me to “pull my socks up” and get on with it. She also tells me I’m “too sensitive”.
She is a fantastic person in most respects, but with a tendency to judgement (other family members experience this too) and what we might call “toxic positivity”.
Her context for this is that her mother died when she was a baby and her father had lost most of his family in the holocaust – so she grew up feeling she had to be cheerful all the time and not add to the grief of the adults around her.

The outcome I would love is to share my thoughts and day to day worries with her and just to be listened to and accepted. I don’t need to be helped to fix things as I can do this myself. I just want to feel heard and to connect with someone I love.

I want to find a way to bring this up with her which doesn’t feel accusatory or where either of us get defensive. It is such an entrenched pattern that I am scared of bringing it up. How can I start this conversation? Or what mindset will help me to have this conversation?

 

 

Answer:

You want your mother to accept you and not get defensive. Can you see how you would feel a lot more connected to her if you would accept her and not get defensive? You want to share your thoughts and worries with her. She wants to give you advice she thinks will help.  The only problem here is you think she shouldn’t.

What if your goal was to love your mother exactly the way she is? That’s a lot easier than trying to get her to stop giving you advice and act exactly how you want. The first step is to look at the story you tell about her and how she affects your feelings. Question it. When you take responsibility for your own emotions and you decide on purpose to love your mother just as she is your relationship can change and she doesn’t even have to know.  It’s so fun.

Think about it and see what comes up for you.  Bring your questions or models here for more coaching.