Creating safety webinar

I’ve just watched the Creating Safety webinar and really enjoyed it. I’ve come away with quite a few thoughts and questions that I could do with getting out here and getting some insight on.

I’ve done lots of work on nervous system regulation over the past year or so, and have felt that I’m getting to a better place with knowing when I need to regulate myself and some of the ways of doing this. I thought that I was spending more time in ventral vagal, as these days I feel calmer, less overwhelmed and much more accepting of myself, I sleep better and I am less easily activated. So a good win to recognise!

But the description of ventral vagal feels a bit alien to me, in particular this idea of being more social. Whilst I do have social contact in my life, I have friends and some plans to catch up with friends and acquaintances, I don’t really often feel safe in conversation, and usually find that after any length of socialising, I need to take a break and regulate myself – with such things as taking a bath, being in nature etc. If I have someone to stay, then its likely that I’ll go into dorsal vagal state after a day and be desperate for them to leave so I can regulate myself. The slide that was about phone calls being more soothing to our nervous system due to using our voice and ears felt difficult for me, as phone calls would generally be something I find activating.

So I wonder if I am actually spending more time in ventral vagal like I thought or whether something else is going on. These days I feel perfectly content with a few chats with friends on the school run, engaging with my children and husband and social chat at the gym before a class starts. Which is way less social contact than I used to have when I felt anxious and activated all the time! I’m happy to spend quite a lot of time alone and don’t feel so much need for connection.

The part about co-regulation was very interesting to me, as I don’t feel I got that from my childhood, with an emotionally neglectful mother and an abusive stepfather. I can’t really recall any times in my early childhood where I felt co-regulation from anyone.

I’m not sure what I’m asking really, but the webinar has thrown up a lot of thoughts and questions in my mind, that I felt was important to get out and perhaps start untangling.

 

 

Answer:

Thank you for bringing your thoughts here, it’s the perfect place to put them. Notice how you were feeling very confident and in a good place until some new beliefs were offered and you started questioning yourself.

Here’s the truth about beliefs: You get to take the ones that serve you and leave the rest. If you’ve found something that works for you, you have permission to keep doing that. Trust yourself to know when you are activated or not. Trust yourself to know what level of social interaction is comfortable. That feeling of “perfectly content” that you have created is something to be celebrated.

If you believed that you were right where you are supposed to be and you allowed for curiosity instead of doubt as you continue taking care of your nervous system, what would be different?