Criticism at work

Hey coaches! Today was a pretty difficult day – emotionally. I’ve just finished watching the episode on Criticism in the Flow Collective and it has helped me to bring some issues here for more coaching.

The situation that I am dealing is dealing with criticism from a colleague who happens to be my friend as well. The past month has been very tough at work, with a lot of work and I felt quite overwhelmed. I have not shared it in detail with my colleague/friend but I have been mentioning that I am very busy and that it is a lot to deal with. I have also shared that I am working on myself, on setting up more boundaries, thought work and people-pleasing. When pressure and work were high, I decided to take a bit slow and do things one at a time, working on the goals I set up for myself in order to feel safe and regulated. This was perceived by my colleague as ‘nonresponsive’ ‘ taking too long to reply to emails’ and ‘being not motivated to do my job or simply clueless about certain tasks’. While discussing work, all of this ‘criticism’ came to the surface and he told me that he doesn’t know how to act anymore around me. I felt like I was about to literally throw up and I felt my eyes tearing up. That was the physical reaction I had to these words. We started talking about how I felt towards work and that I am very busy and I was just trying to take care of myself to not be where I was 2 years ago (which was very stressed and ended up in bed rest for 10 days without being able to stand up). I simply told him that I just needed more time to finish the tasks and that he wanted me to do that right at that moment and I couldn’t do that. I said that I was hoping he would understand because he used to do the same job as I do now years ago and he knows how much pressure and busy it can get at times. To this, he said that he feels offended that I thought he does not understand me. I felt very bad about it and ended up apologising for not being more explicit about how busy and overwhelmed I was. I felt I owed him an explanation. I also know I rarely ask for help because I make it mean in my mind that I am weak and needy (which is a behaviour I know about and working on changing it). The discussion was over and left everyone feeling offended and misunderstood – which I thought after an hour to it will go away. It is just a thought I’d say. But it stayed and it continues to upset me.

Receiving criticism is not easy from a colleague but when this colleague is also a close friend – it feels ten times worse. And personal. I know now that criticism is just a thought someone has about me but I find it difficult to move past it. I took those words he said as the truth about me and I am having trouble understanding why because I don’t have those thoughts about myself: I take my work very seriously, I am motivated, interested and on top of what I am doing, I don’t think I am clueless and although times have been busy I tried to stay positive about my work. So, I don’t think I am defensive by making his thoughts mean something to me but I am just hurt and misunderstood.

‘If someone says something negative about you, it will only bother you if you already have those thoughts’. I paused for a while and thought about this lesson but I cannot put a grip on what those thoughts might be. I think I should have communicated better what my needs were but I also felt there was no space for me to be honest about it. Every time I brought up how busy and overwhelmed I was, the colleague would say: I did your job as well before, I had very stressful and busy periods as well and I did it all my myself, I worked after working hours and had no help, at least you have help. He says he said all those things to be there for me but it always felt like they were said to show me that it can be done, that if he can do it, anyone could. Which left me with little space to speak about what was going on for me.

If I would put it in a model, I think it would be:
C: Someone says these words about me: ‘nonresponsive’ ‘ taking too long to reply to emails’ and ‘being not motivated to do my job or simply clueless about certain tasks’.
T: This is not how I think I am (i mean these words do not describe me).
F: Misunderstood.
A: I keep replaying the discussion. I apologise for being busy and feel bad about doing it so. I cannot sleep and dream about this situation. I avoid speaking to the colleague. I am defensive and trying to explain why I was not able to do everything on the timeline he had. I don’t say nice things to myself, I let my inner critic take over and think that I am not enough and that I should have handled things better. I take responsibility for how I made my colleague feel, although my intention was never to hurt this person. I consider changing jobs as I don’t want to lose a friend because of a work situation.
R: I criticise myself for doing or not doing things.

Thank you for your help <3

 

Answer:

First, wrap yourself in a blanket of love and just allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling after this conversation. Thoughtwork is not meant to take the uncomfortable emotions away so we don’t feel anything when people say words to us. The goal is to fully experience being a human. Part of that is not liking being misunderstood.

What people do and say tells you about them. Why do you think your colleague reacted the way he did? We can’t know for sure but sometimes it can be helpful to just look at the other person with compassion and curiosity.

See what you can come up with as you allow your feelings, tend to your nervous system and contemplate what your friend is going through right now.