CTFAR practice

C: I call my mother and sister who are at home alone together (husbands and kids have gone away for the weekend)
T: They speak about me when I’m not there.
F: Left out. Jealous. Outsider.
A: I close up, defensive, protecting myself in the conversation.
R: Don’t speak openly, keep it to civil chat, because I don’t want to be dissected after the conversation. End the call quickly.

Please direct me as to whether I have the right end of the stick with this.

Also, where do we go from here? Once the model is accurate how do we improve ourselves so an issue like the above doesn’t keep repeating?

Many thanks.

 

Answer:

Great questions! Let’s start with the model.

Why do you think they are talking about you? If they do, why is that a problem for you? It sounds as if you don’t want them to do that. Why?

Your R line, is more actions, so let’s put it in your Action line. Without knowing why it is a problem for you if they talk about you, it does not sound like those feelings are coming from that thought. You can check in with yourself by asking “Why do I feel left out/jealous?” Those feelings may come from thoughts that they are closer or they get to share things that you don’t with them. What do you think?

What do you think of this model?

C: I call my mother and sister who are at home alone together (husbands and kids have gone away for the weekend)
T: They speak about me when I’m not there.
F: Defensive or guarded (??)
A: I close up, protecting myself in the conversation, don’t speak openly, keep it to civil chat, imagine being dissected after the conversation, end the call quickly

R: I am not there

The R here refers to you are not present with them in the conversation. You are thinking about what you should and should not say to protect yourself rather than being yourself. If you believed that there is nothing wrong in being yourself, then you would know that anything anybody would say about you is a reflection of them, and not you.

What do you think?

Once you have the model that feels right to you, then you get to decide what to do from there. Sometimes we look at a model and like what it  creates, or we accept how we think about our circumstances, and we don’t change anything. We accept that we choose to think this way and create these results.

If you don’t like what you are creating, then you may questions your thoughts. How are they true? How are they not true? Why is it a problem for you?

Understanding this model will help you move to a more intentional model if that is what you want. The intentional model will move you toward creating more of what you want, by choosing your believable thoughts that will get you there.