Cultivating self trust and self acceptance

Hello coaches. I’d like some help in how to cultivate more self trust, especially in a state of not knowing. I’m going through a period of uncertainty at the moment where job/living situation etc is all unclear. My brain really struggles with uncertainty and I find it very hard to stop ruminating and expecting pain and struggle in the future, as well as vividly imagining various scenarios to the point where it becomes emotionally draining. I’m trying to remind myself to think along the lines of ‘what if you knew everything would work out in the best possible way’ and I’m finding this quite exhausting.

I’m also feeling very worried about the uncertainty surrounding how my relationship with my partner will look if I move away for work next year (which is a possibility). I know how devoted he is which fills me with security and at the same time I feel very sad at the prospect of not seeing much of him for several months. Then I get a lot of self critical thoughts telling me how weak and lame that is and how I used to be so independent and unattached. Formerly I think I’ve allowed myself to have quite judgemental thoughts about people who want to be near their partners rather than be very independent so I’m finding this shift I’ve experienced since I got together with him even harder. At the same time I know that I do feel the need for a lot of emotional support in my life and that maybe it would help if I could practice a bit more acceptance around that and organising things so I feel supported. I think I’m just very afraid of feeling dependent because of the vulnerability in that situation, though of course I realise we all depend on people to some extent.

I notice this tension between wanting new experiences and contexts and also finding a lot of security and nourishment in more familiar surroundings. I’ve lived in several different places throughout my twenties and have studied/worked in lots of different contexts. For this reason I’ve got friends scattered around Europe and have rarely lived near to close friends. I crave more community and would love to have a close friend or two nearby. I anticipate some big-feeling decisions coming up and I want to know I can make them from a place of acceptance about how I feel in the world and what helps me thrive rather than making decisions based on who I think I should be.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling very tearful and destabilised by all the uncertainty and notice how many of my self critical stories start getting a lot louder during times like these.

I know this has been quite a thought download so I hope there aren’t too many different strands to what I’ve asked for help with. Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

Thought downloads are meant to just be a jumble of strands that we get out of our heads and onto paper. Then we can just pick up one strand at a time and look at it. You’ve done this wonderfully. How do you feel after letting it all out? What parts do you like? What parts do you want to let go of?

What if you didn’t have to imagine the worst case scenario or the best case scenario for what’s going to happen with your job and relationship in the future, you just let yourself process what’s coming up for you today?  Your identity is shifting, not because of your circumstances changing but because of how your thoughts are evolving. Try writing out some of these shifts with no judgement, only curiosity. The goal would be to explore and show your brain that change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. This is one way to build self trust, by owning who you are. For example:

I used to think that being independent and unattached was the best. Now I like being in a supportive relationship.

I used to love moving around and now I’m craving a sense of community.

I used to priortize my job over my relationships and now I….??

You may even want to add, out loud the words “and that’s ok!” to each sentence you come up with. See what you find and bring back any questions or models.