Dating and rejection

Hey team,

After my relationship ended last year I have started feeling ready to meet people again.
I joined a dating app (joined two, but the other one was too much) and initially I was waiting for others to send me likes. I then did some work on being the first one to ask to match. I don’t attach any meaning to not matching with someone anymore which I’m very happy about.
However what I can’t seem to be able to detach from is how I feel about being ghosted or when someone doesn’t respond to my messages in a time frame that I have set in my head that they don’t know about.

C: no response
T: I have done something
F: confused
A: think of the ways I could have been better or more interesting, keep checking the app, scrolling
R: stuck feeling it was my fault

I also feel stuck in the talking phase and can’t seem to get to a point of actually going out with someone. And it feels pointless to match with someone new just to go through the same thing again.

I keep going back and forth about double texting someone if I haven’t heard from them. Is me asking for clarity either way standing up for myself or is it too needy.

So basically I would need some help with framing my thoughts around dating and how to effectively communicate with others and how to also not attach meaning to others actions.

Thank you!
I have been on the apps for a few months now and I’m already tired

 

 

Answer:

So many wins in what you’ve written here. What do you see?

Notice this model. What is your reaction to it?

C: dating apps

T: I don’t know how to effectively communicate

F: stuck

A: go back and forth about double texting, notice the people not texting back, question myself

R: I build a pile of evidence to prove my thought true.

The thing I notice in your story is that it is vague. How many people have actually ghosted you? How many messages are left unreplied to? How many conversations have not turned into meetups? Gather this data.

Now you can make models with some facts. Do some journaling about the numbers or perhaps a specific person who didn’t message you back. What story is your brain telling you? Let it out.

You’re right where you’re supposed to be. It’s ok that it feels really hard right now. Be extra kind to yourself as you explore. Bring back any insights you want more coaching on in your journey to getting some dates!