Daughter being hurt at school

My 5 year old daughter has had some troubles with another boy in her class for the last year. It’s mainly involved him hitting and pushing her at break times when away from the teachers.

I spoke to his mum last year but it didn’t go too well – she got very upset, denied that it couldn’t be her son etc. When the boy has been hitting my daughter since then, whenever I have spoken to the teacher and it’s been dealt with.

At the moment I’m feeling comfortable that the situation is under control. The teacher is aware of the issue and has been keeping an eye, and my daughter has grown in confidence and told him that if he hurts her again she will tell the teacher. I’m very proud of her for being able to do this.

I’m now feeling stuck in a situation relating to this. The boys dad was on the school run as the wife has just had a second baby. He told me and a friend that his son has been in trouble for fighting with another boy and it has become and ongoing problem. He said he wasn’t sure if the other boy was instigating this or whether it was his son. He then asked me and my friend if either of our daughters had experienced any problems with his son. I completely froze up and felt unable to speak. I kept thinking I should say about the problems but I didn’t find my voice, and my friend just spoke and said her daughter hadn’t had any issues.

Since then I have been feeling guilty for not saying anything. I really feel I should have – as it was a good opportunity to make him aware, especially if there are any problems again. I’m also worried that if there are any problems later on, he will be angry that I didn’t tell him when he asked. I feel really fed up that I’m dealing with this again as it felt like it had been sorted. And now I’m ruminating on it.
I decided I would speak to him at school pick up and tell him, but then he came fairly late and there wasn’t a chance. So I just asked if I could chat with him next week about the issue he was asking about that morning. I’m now feeling so stupid because that seems worse than not saying anything at all. I’m worried he’ll tell his wife and she’ll be upset I’m raising this when she’s just had a baby. I just generally feel really cross at myself for being so weak and pathetic.

i’ve done a thought download which mainly consisted of me berating myself. But I was also able to acknowledge that despite my fears and discomfort I have done so much to help my daughter – like speaking with the teachers, coaching her on what she could say to the boy, and attempting to talk to the boys mum.

I did a couple of unintentional models to get clearer on whats going on with me –

C: Not saying anything when the boy’s dad asked me and my friend if there had been any problems
T: I’m so weak and pathetic
F: Shame
A: Ruminate and wish I had spoken up
A: Buy a bottle of wine on the way home to have that evening – in an attempt to numb the hard thoughts and feelings
A: Cry to my husband and tell him how bad I feel
A: Distracted and distant from my children
R: I feel that I am a weak and pathetic person

C: Thinking about raising it with the boys dad next week
T: It won’t come out well and I’ll make it all worse
F: Dread
A: Worry all weekend about it
A: Overthink what i’ll say
A: Feel dread every morning before the school run
R: I feel anxious and full of worry

I’m unsure where to go from here, whether it would make sense to move onto an intentional model. Whether to sit with some of these discomforts and thoughts, or to try and find kinder thoughts. Any input very gratefully received.

 

Answer:

Is it possible that the answer could be that you do both – sit with and process these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings from a place of love for yourself and find or create kind thoughts? I love that you were able to acknowledge what you’ve done to help your daughter. Let’s continue in that vein for a moment and talk about giving equal air time to other thoughts that you have about both the situation of freezing when a father asked if your daughter or your friend’s daughter had encountered any challenges with his son. Beyond being weak and pathetic, what else might be true? Why might you have frozen? Pay attention to which thoughts illicit a feeling of compassion or understanding, and what actions those feelings might give way to. Thinking you are weak and pathetic is a story. You froze for a reason (likely safety related), and your brain responded appropriately given the threat it sensed.
As for the conversation coming up, what is one result that would you like to create for yourself in this situation (remembering that we can only create results for ourselves…not other people!)? What do you think you’d have to do and not do in order to create that result? What feelings would inspire you to take those actions? What thought or thoughts creates that feeling? Lastly, can you identify what, if anything, is standing in the way of you being able to lean into this intentional model? Come back to us for more coaching with a submission titled, “Daughter and school pt. 2”