Dealing with Borderline Behaviour from my Partner

Hi! I already submitted a question concerning this topic (“Relationship, Boundaries And …” – forgot to add a last word :-))

In the meantime some things happened. My father died, and one month after his death, for the first time again, we had a situation where my partner crossed my boundaries and blamed me for it. I went out again for the first time, with a friend. And although I kept texting him throughout the evening, because I know that’s what he needs to feel safe, a very jealous and reproachful man was waiting for me at home. I couldn’t handle it well and soon reacted angrily as well, because I saw my freedom and boundaries violated (I MAY go out alone, I MAY have fun without him …) Since then, two more such incidents have happened (once it was just a matter of me briefly picking up my cell phone at a party!). One incident involved a friend who herself suffers from borderline personality disorder and depression, and she and her husband told me afterwards that they recognized these patterns exactly. Since then I have been studying BPD intensively. It has been like a release for me, and much of what I have learned here at Flow Collective also applies to dealing with a BPD person. My husband is not a classic borderliner, but he shows clear traits and behavior like this:
– He blames me for everything that is not going well in our relationship
– He blames me for always triggering him and pushing him to his inner “black hole”
– He blames me for not being willing to help him, to do my part to make him feel better
– He considers his “black hole” a private matter and says he doesn’t want to be constantly reminded of it

Since I had the realization that a mental disorder could be responsible for his behavior, I finally have a different way of dealing with it. I haven’t told him about my suspicions (I’m not a psychologist, and certainly not his). I try not to join in the “dance”; no longer try to defend myself. I react less irritably and angrily when he violates my boundaries. I can do it all, but it’s insanely exhausting, and I also feel a little sorry for myself (we have 2 kids and I already have to co-regulate their feelings all the time…). But yeah. That’s just the way it is right now.

I know I just have to look for myself now, I have an appointment with a psychologist to look at it all, I take responsibility for my part. Nevertheless, sometimes the feeling creeps in that I also have my share, that I was also very jealous in the past, that maybe I am also to blame for the fact that he is doing badly …

I would like to know how best to deal with these doubts? I don’t want to be arrogant or harsh and not put all the blame on him, but I also know that there is a danger of then tipping very quickly into the opposite and becoming overly responsible. How can I find this balance in being “permeable” and in love, and clearly maintaining my boundaries and not letting myself become insecure?

Answer:

This all starts with self-awareness – awareness of what doubt feels like in your body, awareness of when the voice that says, “You are to blame…” takes the microphone, and awareness of what you think about your actions in the past. One very powerful question to ask yourself when you notice doubt and thoughts about whether you are to blame for your husband’s actions and psychological and emotional state creep into your body and brain is, “Is that absolutely true?” Asking this simple question and allowing yourself to observe your mind for even just a few moments gives you a moment to intentionally choose what you’re going to believe.
If you were to give yourself space to observe your thoughts before you landed on the one to think, how might you experience your doubts differently? Also, listen to the series of podcasts on responsibility (episodes 34-36) and see if you gain any wisdo from those. Come back for more coaching when you’re ready with part two of this submission.