Dealing with criticism/Difficult work relationships

Please can I have feedback on my neutral model (right at the bottom)? I think my unintentional ones catch everything (although are a bit repetitive) but my neutral one feels weak and fake.

C: Head of another department wrote email to me and others and said words about me.
T: They’re all talking about me behind my back.
F: Humiliated.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Re-read the email and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Have arguments in my head where I tell him what I think of him.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
A: Write a response email in my head insulting all involved.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Above.
T: They’re all talking about me behind my back.
F: Shame.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Re-read the email and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Have arguments in my head where I tell him what I think of him.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
A: Write a response email in my head insulting all involved.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Above.
T: They’re all talking about me behind my back.
F: Resentful.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Re-read the email and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Have arguments in my head where I tell him what I think of him.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
A: Write a response email in my head insulting all involved.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Above
T: I’m unprofessional, why didn’t I know this thing?
F: Unprofessional.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Re-read the email and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Replay the conversation in my head.
A: Have arguments in my head where I tell him what I think of him.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
A: Write a response email in my head insulting all involved.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Above
T: Other people will read this and think badly of me.
F: Humiliated.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Re-read the email and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Above
T: Other people will read this and think badly of me.
F: Shame.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Re-read the email and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Have arguments in my head where I tell him what I think of him.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
A: Write a response email in my head insulting all involved.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Above.
T: Other people will read this and think badly of me.
F: Resentful.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Re-read the email and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Replay the conversation in my head.
A: Have arguments in my head where I tell him what I think of him.
A: Criticise myself.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
A: Write a response email in my head insulting all involved.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Above.
T: He’s wrong and full of shit.
F: Angry.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Re-read the email and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Have arguments in my head where I tell him what I think of him.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
A: Write a response email in my head insulting all involved.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Above
T: I can’t get past this.
F: Stuck.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Head of another department said words about me in front of his assistant and my boss.
T: Other people will think badly of me.
F: Humiliated.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Replay the conversation in my head.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Head of another department said words about me in front of his assistant and my boss.
T: Other people will think badly of me.
F: Shame.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Replay the conversation in my head.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Head of another department said words about me in front of his assistant and my boss.
T: Other people will think badly of me.
F: Resentful.
A: My mind goes blank and I struggle to articulate what I’ve done – shock response.
A: Replay the conversation in my head.
A: Have arguments in my head where I tell him what I think of him.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

C: Head of another department said words about me in front of his assistant and my boss.
T: I can’t get past this.
F: Stuck.
A: Re-read the email
A: Replay the conversation in my head and imagine what other people are thinking and saying.
A: Criticise myself.
A: Worry about my professional reputation and don’t get as much actual work done.
A: I make it mean negative things about me.
R: Spiral of unhappiness and doubt, don’t think I can work with him.

Neutral model

C: HoD wrote email and said words.
T: I don’t have to make this mean anything about me
F: Neutral
A: Read the email and consider the context.
A: Identify what I could have worded differently next time.
R: Move on with my day.

 

Answer:

After experiencing something that has us feeling all of the things we hope we never have to feel again – like shame, anger, resentment, humiliation, stuck, and unprofessional – it’s easy to think that the model can just pop us right out of those feelings and into a neutral brain space. That, however, is not the purpose of the model.

The purpose of the model is to show us our thoughts and help us understand how they create our results and shape our understanding of and relationship to the world and the people in it. What the model doesn’t do is process our feelings for us (although it can help you understand how you do that too!). I’d guess that one reason the neutral model you’ve created feels weak and fake is because you have yet to process the feelings that you’ve identified in your UMs, and that’s really important to do. So, choose which emotion you’d like to process first. Once you’ve done that, do the following…

1. Find a space where you feel safe and comfortable.

2. Close your eyes and locate where you feel the emotion in your body.

3. Describe how it feels (heavy? light? sharp? dull? cavernous? shallow?)

4. Does it have a shape or any notable characteristics?

5. What, if anything, is it trying to tell you? Sit with that for a bit.

6. What, if anything, do you want to say to it? Say that now (aloud or in your head).

7. What’s coming up? Notice any thoughts or feelings.

8. Has anything changed about where or how you’re experiencing this emotion? Describe and take note of the changes.

Repeat as many times as you need with as many feelings as you need to to allow your feelings to be seen and processed. Does this change how you feel about your UM? If not, it may be the case that the neutral model is a big leap to make from how your default brain reacts…can you identify some smaller steps that might lead you to believing that you don’t have to make this mean something about you? What are they?

Come on back with what you discover and for more coaching on next steps.