Dealing with critism around my son’s behaviour

Hello,
So I am new to the Collective and a little behind on the Model work but I was wondering if you could help me get my head around which model I am currently in with this subject.
A little background, my son is due to be assessed for Autism on his school’s recommendation and this is something I have been bringing up with his paed since he was only 2 years old. My husband travels for work and is only home Thurs-Sunday every other weekend, meaning I am sole parent most of the time.

I am trying to work the following model:

C: My husband critisises my parenting as our child displays challenging behaviours.
T: I am being blamed for this behaviour and it’s my fault he acts in this way
F: Guilt, shame, sadness, lonely.
A: My husband and I argue alot.
R: Damage to our marriage and an unhealthy environment for our son.

I now need help with how to put this into an intentional model please.

TIA x

Answer:

We choose to believe that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be with the work you’re doing on yourself…so, you’re not behind, you’re exactly where you should be. Thanks for bringing this to us, we’re glad to help!

So, a few things about your model: first of all, this is a pretty darn well done first go at it, nice work. Take a look at this feedback:

C: This should be as emotionless and opinion-less, and as objective and factual as possible. Words like, ‘challenging’ and ‘criticizes’ are emotionally charged and subjective. What is undebatable that happened? Something like, “Husband said ‘_______’ when son did ______.” Or as simple as, “Husband said these words ‘______’.”

T: You have two thoughts here, which is okay because they’re both things you think, but in the model, it’s easiest to choose one. This will lead to a clearer F line. Let’s go with “I’m being blamed for this behaviour.”

F: Out of the feelings that you’ve listed, which one do you feel the strongest when you think, “I’m being blamed for his behaviour.”? Plug that in here.

A: When you feel that feeling, what do you do? What don’t you do? A good way to think about this is what would a fly on the wall be reporting if it were giving a play-by-play report of what it sees (and doesn’t see) happening both real time and inside your mind/body?

R: This is directly connected to your T. I would guess that the R here for “I’m being blamed for this behaviour” is that you begin to blame yourself for his behaviour as well.

Now, on to the IM, if the situation didn’t change – i.e. your husband didn’t change what he said – what is the ideal outcome for you? That is your R line. Start there, and work backwards. For example, it could be to let him have his feelings, to believe you are a good mother regardless of your husband’s comments, to be angry without needing or wanting to pick a fight, to verbally respond with a boundary, to seek to understand why he thinks this is your fault, and so on. When you choose that, fill in the model from the bottom up…what would you have to do to make that R a reality? What would you have to feel to take those actions? What would you have to think to create that feeling?

For example:

C: Husband said “____________”.

T: My husband is living in his own model when it comes to our son’s behaviours.

F: Insulated

A: Don’t react, respond, don’t take H’s words personally, don’t pick a fight, ask him questions, feel calm in my body, disagree respectfully with him, think kind thoughts towards myself, protect myself from my own shaming thoughts

R: Let H have his own thoughts about the situation without making it mean something about what kind of mother I am.

What model(s) do you come up with? Come back for more coaching, and be sure to watch the Harness your Hormones modules, as well as the Model Workshop videos in the call replays tab for more help on building models.