Dealing with injustice and anger

Dear coach,

I watched Maisie’s “people pleasing” video recently and got a lot out of it. It’s so helpful to know that it shows up in more subtle ways than the more superficial ones.
However, I still struggle with the concept of pleasing vs being a considerate human being or taking responsibility for your emotions vs being an egocentric character. Where do you draw the line?

I’m currently going through a situation where I feel treated very unfairly and it has significant financial and other life changing consequences. What makes it even worse is that I am treated like that by a very close person in my life who I’m shocked to see behaving in a way that focuses entirely on their needs, not considering anyone around them, perhaps even purposefully calculating and being completely deaf to requests for understanding and negotiation. I just can’t understand how someone can treat a loved one who has been a loving caring partner for over a year like that and I’m left with an intense feeling of disappointment, but more strongly anger.
I reflected on if I’m resentful because instead of being a caring, loving partner I was in reality people pleasing for a year and now I’m struck that the other person can not return the favour. But honestly, I don’t think I people please a lot. I just consider myself a caring person, sometimes definitely with tendencies towards pleasing, but usually not to an extent that damages my own wellbeing.

I’ve been sitting with this feeling of intense anger and used the resources we got from “being emotional” and other recordings to manage. I have acknowledged that this very strong emotion tells me to change something. So I did, I took the decision to move out to create distance to the person that I feel mistreated by. I put myself into a very vulnerable position on the current rental market am dealing with a lot of uncertainty. I changed from thinking: “I’m giving in.” or “I’m complying with the other person’s requests.” to “I’m taking full responsibility for my own wellbeing and mental health by taking this decision.” and it does help make me feel more empowered and resourceful.
At the same time, I can not get over the feeling of anger and injustice. It eats me up from the inside. I don’t sleep well. I wake up in the middle of the night being upset and it puts a shadow over all my other wonderful relationships in my life. I mediate and do a thought download before I go to bed, I listened to Ram Dass talking about letting go of anger as it only harms yourself and not the person it’s directed to. I understand judging someone else’s behaviour is subjective and that someone else will have different thoughts about the same actions, but where would our justice system be if we didn’t have a common understanding of what misconduct and injustice is?

I want to forgive for my own wellbeing, I’m just not quite there yet spiritually. I need to conserve all my energy for the challenges I’m facing in the near future.

So I’d like to know if you have any other recommendations on how to deal with anger. Could you also coach me on or point me in the right direction if I want to understand people pleasing vs being considerate.

Thank you!

 

Answer:

In psychology, they say that feeling anger is a natural part of the grieving process. From this perspective, and in light of this change, feeling anger right alongside feeling empowered makes a lot of sense (and, for the record, they are both equally valuable feelings). From what I’m reading, your goal is to be able to forgive your partner…eventually…but right now, that’s inaccessible for you (which is okay, by the way). An interesting place to start might be to start to really get familiar with your anger. Start by doing a thought download about your thoughts about Anger. What do you uncover when you unpack what you think about anger in general, and specifically as you’re experiencing it now? Come back for more coaching with part 2.
And about the people pleasing vs. being considerate, this can be very subjective. Why are you being considerate? Are you trying to keep yourself safe, and protect the boat from getting rocked , or are you prioritizing another’s wants and needs from a genuine place? Notice what sensations you feel in your body when you think about this. Lastly, you might consider asking members of the Facebook community how they differentiate between the two. You’ll likely get some great answers!