Dealing With Sexual Trauma

Over 10 years ago I endured an experience of rape. Following that, I was in a coercive / abusive relationship for a few years.

I have struggled with sexual intimacy ever since these two periods of my life. This has mostly shown up as avoidance of sex, fear and confusion during intimacy, dissociation and inability to speak during intimacy, crying after sex, feeling uncomfortable and sick after sex.

I am now with a partner of 3 years. We are emotionally very close. He is the first person to really see me during sex, and know when I am not really there even when I don’t say anything – he stops, and holds me, when this happens.

I still tend to avoid sex. Recently he has told me that he wonders if we can stay together, because he doesnt want to be in a relationship where sex is so difficult and so scarce. I welcomed him telling me his deepest worries, and he felt relieved after sharing them. I assured him we could work together to make progress.

However, part of me feels resentful. He will not do the necessary ‘work’ (reading, learning) to understand how we can go on this healing journey together. I have asked him if he would, but he says he doesnt have the time. I am expected to do this, and then bring him along with me.

As I write this, I am aware of what the answer might be! As it is my sexual healing, I guess I need to take responsibility for it? I need to do it for me, not for him? Perhaps it isnt a ‘project’ that feels overwhelming, but a path I can commit to walking down slowly, in my own time.

Am I on the right track?

 

 

Answer:

Great awareness. Any time we notice resentment, it’s a place where we are not meeting our own needs. He is welcome to share what he wants in your sexual relationship. You can want to work in this area to please him because you care for him. The biggest shift will happen when you decide that perhaps this journey to healing and enjoying intimacy is a gift you are going to give yourself.

Someone took something from you against your will. That is a fact. Continuing to carry that wound and the story that you are broken for the rest of your life is optional.  Ask yourself these questions: Do I want to enjoy intimacy?  Do I believe it’s possible for me?

See what comes up and bring back your questions and self coaching.