Dealing with the aftermath of a toxic supervisory relationship

Hi coaches!

I have been sitting with this question for a long time, and have not shared it before because it wasn’t 100% clear in my mind yet. However, when last week Maisie said that ‘messy AAC submissions help coaches do their job’ I realized I can just give it a go and we can work through it together.

About 2 years ago, I ended a supervisory relationship with a toxic, manipulative supervisor (within my PhD trajectory). It was one of the most emotionally taxing experiences I ever had, but looking back, I am so proud of myself for standing up for myself, protecting my work and my intellectual property, and refusing to continue being emotionally abused by this person.

While I was in the process of ending this professional relationship, she was promoted and offered an indeterminate contract in the department where I work. At the time, I was disappointed in my university and the people in the hiring committee that decided to keep her and promote her, even in light of what was happening with my case. However, I was so relieved of slowing be getting out of that situation that I did not dwell on it too much.

However now, 2 years later, I am still dealing with the aftermath. She does not come to the office at all, so I don’t have to see her. But any mention or sight of her (and her husband, who is also a person of power in the department) puts me in an activated state.

I literally feel my body shrinking and I am tearing up as I write this. I have done quite some thought work on the situation and I deeply believe I have my own back and I chose the right route for myself and I flourished and am 100% better off because of it. And still, I seem to be unable to get over the visceral response of my body when this person comes into my orbit.

I will be done with my PhD in less than 2 years, so I guess it’s a temporary problem. But this whole situation makes me feel vulnerable and disempowered. I feel angry that a female supervisor could be so harmful to another woman. I feel disappointed that she tried to steal my ideas. But I want to make this healing process about me, and having my own back.

I am not even sure where to start when it comes to putting this in a model because I have so many thoughts and feelings. But I am willing to try with your help!

Thank you so much in advance.

 

Answer:

I am seeing several models here based on several thoughts and feelings that you’ve mentioned. But I would like to start with the intentional model that I see:
C: Former supervisor and husband
T: I want to make this healing process about me
F:
A:
R:
What does the rest of the model look like when you fill it out with this thought?
While it doesn’t feel okay that you’re sent into an activated state by the sight or mention of your former supervisor or her husband, I’d like to offer you that this is exactly where you’re meant to be right now. It’s an opportunity for you to do some specific healing work on the feeling of disempowerment, vulnerability, anger, and disappointment. To start, one question to ask yourself when you start to notice that you’re becoming or have dropped into an activated state is, “Am I in danger?” If you aren’t, what else might you be?
Take some time to watch the Creating Safety webinar in the Cycle Toolkit. It will be so helpful for you on this healing journey! Come back to us with a part 2 of this submission for more coaching.