Decision-making – context: social gatherings – and establishing/maintaining a sense of connection

I received coaching from Maisie on how to approach spending the holidays with my husband at my parents’ place when he doesn’t speak the language and my family only speaks little English.
The coaching helped me uncover that I’ve been feeling disconnected from my husband since Christmas last year, when things at my parents’ didn’t work out well with him, that this trip is important for me almost as a make-or-break for our relationship – but also that I want to be in a relationship with him and that I want to feel connected to him again.
I can already tell how putting into practice a model with the thought ‘I want to feel connected’ creates ‘feeling connected’ as a result (rather than ‘I feel disconnected’ – leading to feeling disconnected), which I have been practicing since Monday. I am also able now to be more compassionate, empathetic, and understanding towards him.
We arrived at my parents’ place on Thursday and overall, both of us are optimistic that this trip will be much better than last year’s.

However, an event last night showed me this state is still quite fragile: It was my birthday yesterday and I had a few old school friends over. The more time passed, the more they tended to only speak German (and talked about things I knew my husband wouldn’t be interested in – like their facebook posts of 2013), leaving my husband sitting on the table not understanding anything. I made some attempts to translate for him but it didn’t really help to bring him into the conversation. I didn’t have a great time either because I felt like I don’t have that many things in common with these friends anymore, and because the group was too big for me to enjoy the interaction (when some of them left and it was only four of us, I had a much better time).

We went to bed rather disconnected (I think he was resentful about the way the evening had unfolded and felt isolated and alone, and I felt partly resentful towards him for having a negative impact on my birthday gathering, and partly frustrated about the recurrence of this type of problem). This morning, he shared that he doesn’t know whether he is resilient enough to withstand more of these situations throughout our stay (which will last for another two weeks-ish). I suggested that we could make a list of those events that will happen within the next weeks that might create similar issues and come up with a plan/contingency plan to prevent this from happening again, but he said he wasn’t feeling resourceful enough to do it then, but he really made an effort to get out of this bad place and engaged with my parents. I’m really proud of him for that (and feel much more connected again).

I didn’t totally know where I was going to go with my submission, I just knew I needed coaching on something. I think now I know:
Next week, we will have another gathering with the same group of friends as last night (plus some additional people). I don’t want to have the same thing to happen again (i.e., my husband feeling left out and isolated – and me not having a good time because I’m constantly worried about him having a bad time) and I would like some coaching on how to find the best approach/solution for this. I could go without him, with him, or not at all. I could find really good arguments for each option (e.g., going without him: He might not really want to come and I’d have a better time without having to make sure we felt included; going with him: It’s a larger party and a different setting, offering more opportunities for us to engage in smaller groups which makes it easier to stick to English; go not at all: I didn’t really enjoy any of the past parties with these friends and it partly feels like going out of duty – although there are friends I’d really like to see, but I don’t know if this environment will allow for the in-depth catch-up that I would be interested in).
How do I make a decision that feels good and right for me AND helps maintaining/ensuring the sense of connection I’ve started rebuilding with my husband?

 

 

Answer:

What is most important for you today? Staying present can make things a lot more manageable. When you notice your brain wanting to make your choice into a big deal, bring it back to today, or even the minute.

Who is most important for you today?

If you had love and compassion for everyone: you, your partner, your family and these friends, what would you do? You don’t actually get to control their emotions. You don’t have to make sure everyone is happy. Trust that they can take care of themselves. What would be different if you believed that?