Decision making when everything feels wrong

C/W – sexual assault

I met the wife of a friend several months ago. We hit it off and had a lot in common.

To cut a long story short, this individual, A, sexually assaulted and harassed me and engaged her wife, B, in the continued harassment. The harrassment is better than it was but it hasn’t ended.

These people are part of a sports club which I love and cherish. The people in the wider club are a huge part of my support network and I very much enjoy attending and coaching sessions with the club.

Presently, I’m avoiding the club because it doesn’t feel safe because A&B often attend sessions in order to seek me out. That leaves a hole in my life. I find the prospect of the presence of A&B frightening. I don’t want this couple to be part of my life.

I feel stuck because what I want is for this to have never happened. I feel constantly anxious and worried and I don’t want to continue to feel like this. There is no solution to this situation which feels right and I’ve been pondering this for months. I’m good at making decisions but I’ve been sitting in discomfort over this one for ages and nothing feels right. How do I work out what is the right thing for me when everything feels wrong?

Answer:

First of all, if you (or anyone reading this) has experienced sexual assault, seeking out professional support from a therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor is ALWAYS the first and most important step. Have you been in touch with a medical professional? Have you been in touch with the police or victim’s services?

Citizens Advice is a free legal resource in the UK, but for support we would recommend Victim Support as they have a free and confidential service.

In the US you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline for free, confidential support at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)  and find resources here: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones.

Neither solution feels right because they aren’t things you’d choose if it weren’t for this situation, and you certainly didn’t ask to be put in this position. At this time, your body and brain are doing their jobs to protect you, and it makes a lot of sense that you feel worried and anxious. Right now, when every decision feels wrong, the most important thing that you can give to yourself is compassion. Inviting in compassion for yourself and what you’re going through will not change this circumstance, but it will give you the space to experience the emotions you’re currently feeling with as much safety and with as little judgment as you can extend to yourself. Finding glimmers of safety in your world right now is important. We have all the compassion in the world for you and if you need to borrow some of ours, we have lots to share. Nobody deserves to be a victim of sexual assault or harassment, and we are standing with you 100%.