Deep rooted patterns in an unhelpful model

Dear coaches,

my brain is being very dramatic these days. I constantly find myself in old patterns of thinking thoughts like “He (my partner) doesn’t like me”, “I am alone” and respective feelings of feeling desperation and big lonely sadness.

These thoughts are not factually true at all, but finding myself in this model over and over is very very exhausting. I typed it out once just to have it here.

T: He doesn’t love me.

F: Desperation.

A: Need for approval by him, feeling lonely and sad, finding evidence for my thought, wishing for physical contact, “begging” for his attention. Putting myself below him. Sometimes creating thoughts that help me feel anger instead. Feeling deeply insecure and not worthy. Black thinking (there is no white really in this model…)

R: I cannot love, hold or accept myself.

I find myself often and quite deeply in this or similar models. Even if I “catch” myself and theoretically know I am in a thought-error construct at the time, the feelings feel overwhelming every time. This creates a lot of tension in my relationship, but maybe more importantly in myself. I am constantly alert, hyperfocusing on him or on my current mental state. This has been going on since we are in a relationsship (~3years), and I feel exhausted.

Any coaching from here is welcome. I feel as if I have understood and intellectualised already quite a bit here, giving me an advantage compared to the first times this came up. But I don’t really know how I can start changing this pattern. Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

First of all, sending love as you explore this. It’s not easy feeling alone and desperate. Be gentle with yourself.  What if your brain is really trying to tell you something these days? What is it saying? We know that brains don’t always tell us the truth, but there is often gold within these types of models that will help us learn even more about ourselves. Not change or fix ourselves, but learn and understand.  I would offer that you think of one baby step that will help you love, hold and accept yourself just a little bit more, right where you are.

What do you think the tension is telling you?

See what you find. Come back as much as you need.