Desire Pt III

I thought a lot about why I wish I had someone by my side who really knows me since childhood / adolescence. I think it is related to my wish to be really seen. I’ve really grown in previous years and moved on (or even positively changed) some difficult family or work dynamics. I wish someone had seen what I had been going through. I have this thought that someone can’t really know me without having been there before. Or maybe it’s more of a fear that someone I meet now won’t fully understand / see me. I worry that someone I meet now doesn’t have the full picture and therefore judges me based on whatever is going on right now. I can give a small example of what my brain is conjuring up. I previous years, I was part of different departments at work so I was invited to different Christmas parties. I intentionally changed my work environment because it wasn’t working for me and I’m happy with these changes. Now I’m part of only one department and might be invited to only one Christmas party. And I worry what someone else will think about it. Now that I’m writing this down, it sounds really funny. But there are similar examples where now something is different than it was before and I want my future partner to see that it wasn’t always that way (that easy or whatever). I’m not sure if that makes sense.

I think I need to do some work around this. I would really appreciate some advice on where to start with this. Thank you!

Answer:

Great exploring. It’s a big win to be open to it. First, be gentle with yourself. “I need to do some work around this” is a common phrase we use here, but I notice an energy around what you typed that is sounding like this is a problem to be fixed. There’s nothing wrong with you. This doesn’t need to be hard work. How can you move forward from a place of ease and radical self acceptance?

It’s interesting to notice that the other impression I get is that it sounds like you want the “most improved student award.” What part of you thinks effort=value? What if it was possible to love you just the way you are? What if it’s possible that someone could see who you’ve become and appreciate it without you having to prove it to them?