Difficult birth start due to bad luck

Hi there, I am a new mum with a 6-week old baby. We didn’t have the most easy start up, or the one that I prepared so much for. The labour went fine, although long and after the pushing stage, things got worse and due to complications with the baby, I had to have an emergency section. I am normally a ‘worse-case’ scenario person, always thinking of the negative but this is one of the few times in my life that I believed in myself, in my body and believed with my whole being I will not have a c-section. Also because everything went fine in my pregnancy, the baby was in a correct position. But still the worse happened and I am still processing this. At the end talk with my midwife I asked ‘why this happen?’ and ‘could I have done anything to prevent it? . Her reply was that I couldnt have done anything wrong or different, and although the labour progressed well and she was also sure that no operation would be needed, these things cannot be predicted. One thing she said after was that my situation was ‘just bad luck’. I have accepted the fact that I have not done anything wrong partly, but this part about ‘bad luck’ I can’t accept it. I have thoughts like ‘why me?’ ‘what have I done to deserve this’? ‘I always have bad luck’, ‘ things never come easy to me’. My brain is looking for someone or something to blame for everything that happened, and I cannot simply blame ‘ bad luck’. After the operations, things didn’t get easier, the pain got worse, the breastfeeding is still a struggle, my house was not ready for me to not be able to walk etc., I couldn’t keep my baby close and the worst of all I feel I haven’t given her the good start I so wanted (the golden hours, delayed cord, skin to skin…). Instead, she got an anxious mom, who cannot process why she had bad luck and is in pain, cannot lift her up when she cries and a mom that needs help for even basic needs.

Any thoughts on how to go about this? Thank you <3

 

 

Answer:

 

We are sending you so much love. When we ask questions like, “Why me?” the answers tend to be unsatisfactory because there will never be an answer that makes 100% sense (not even in a wonderful scenario). Wanting someone or something to blame is a part of the grief process and because of that, what your brain is looking for is very human, and makes a lot of sense. What will blaming someone or something do for you? How does, or would, this support you moving through this phase? Now, I’m going to ask you to stretch your brain in a different and curious direction. What if you didn’t blame anyone or anything for needing a c-section? What might happen then? Bring what comes up for you back to us so we can continue working through this with you.

It’s okay to grieve your experience of birth, and to struggle in the early stages of parenting. What loving things (words, thoughts, feelings, experiences) you could give yourself right now that are supportive of you in this time and place? Write them all down. Can you give yourself one of those things today?

Lastly, we always encourage our members to seek out all of the support that is right for them in the present moment – coaching is only one tool in the mental health arsenal. If you suspect that you are experiencing postpartum anxiety, depression or anger, contact your GP, or reach out to a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. Lean into the resources available to you – we are all here to help you function at your best.