Difficult relationship with colleague

Hello, I would love some help with regard to a relationship with a co-worker. I experience the relationship as very difficult and ineffective. We work in academia. I’m responsible for a project where we collect data. My co-worker (who is much older than me) is part of that project and wants to use the data for her own research question, which is completely fine. However, I find it incredibly difficult to collaborate with her. She rarely responds to e-mails, she doesn’t listen in meetings and she doesn’t seem to be interested in providing constructive feedback. When I suggest a date for a meeting, she invites other people without asking me. On the other hand, I have the impression that she is really keen on marketing herself. For example, we were supposed to introduce our project at a larger event and she and another colleague (whom she mentors) came up with this story where it sounded like I was the assistant and they were the ones in charge of the project. Only when they saw my irritation, they noticed that this wasn’t ok. Currently, she wants me to prepare a data sheet that she needs. I’ve tried to tell her several times that I currently don’t have the capacities for it and don’t need it. She can do it if she wants to but it’s currently not my priority.
She was in this institute before me. And I think there were some conflicts before I joined that were then carried over to my project. I feel like she and our other colleague (who have a mentor – mentee relationship) are on one side and I’m on the other side. I have submitted a previous question to Ask A Coach about letting them be wrong about me / accepting that they have thoughts about me. I really think that I have done most of the work that they can really profit from and it makes me really sad and angry that the atmosphere is so negative. This whole thing is really draining and exhausting. When we don’t have to work together, everything is fine. But as soon as there are things to do it becomes difficult. I thought about what to do. And I think a way forward could be that I decide how I show up (and write down very detailed actions for certain situations). Recently, a coach suggested that it’s always a good idea to feel love. And I can feel love when I’m sitting at home not interacting with her. I also think that she has great ideas and is very creative, but the day-to-day interactions are just very tiring for me.

At first I did a thought download: I can’t work with her, she only wants to profit, she’s manipulative, she’s such a self-promoter, she takes away all my energy, I can’t stand her, she’s only making things difficult

Unintentional model
C: my co-worker’s behavior
T: I can’t work with her because she only thinks about herself
F: discouraged (there are other ones: anxious, angry, annoyed, disempowered)
A: I avoid her
A: I (unconsciously) interpret her messages in a certain way
A: I worry and ruminate a lot
R: stress
R: conflicts
R: I lose interest in this project (I’ve actually started to look at other jobs although I like my job in general)

Intentional model:
C: my co-worker’s behavior
T: I decide how I show up in this relationship
F: empowered
A: I don’t respond to potentially triggering e-mails immediately
A: I only state facts in e-mails and leave out all emotions
A: I get clear on my role in this project and act accordingly
(A: I tell her and my other colleague what I expect from our collaboration?)
A: I set boundaries
A: I focus on the goal of this project
A: when she wants to talk about something quickly in-between meetings, I tell her it’s currently not a good time for me
R: I take care of myself
R: (I open up the possibility for a better atmosphere)

I would be really interested to hear your feedback on all this. Thank you!

 

Answer:

I think these models look pretty well done, and I have some feedback! Try to keep your T line populated with one thought – for example: “I can’t work with her,” or “She only thinks about herself.” This helps simplify the rest of your model and makes it easier to connect an R to the T. Speaking of Rs…

I would like to offer another idea about the R that you create in the UM, which is that you spend an awful lot of time thinking about her as well. Likewise, I’d also like to offer that the result that you create in you IM is that you create opportunities for you to show up in the way you choose to instead of autopilot.

What, if anything, do you think is standing between you and your IM? What are your thoughts about that? Come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching.