Difficult relationship with neighbours redux

Thanks for the coaching on my previous submission, but I don’t think I can have explained myself very well.
At the moment I only feel activated by the neighbours and the situation – I would love to feel neutral, and it has been interesting to think what that might mean for me: a balance that has ease, an ability to observe myself and them without the automatic panic and fear that currently kicks in. I am trying to work towards that with intentional models but can’t think clearly enough in my fight or flight mode to think about how to create different thoughts in order to get toward neutral. Does that make sense? All I’ve got is fight, flight, freeze. I’m looking for inspiration for different thoughts, in order to ease my current panic.

Many thanks 🙏

 

 

Answer:

Let’s back up and see what’s happening now before trying an intentional model. Work on this on the days they are not there and you are not feeling activated. You’ll be able to make progress better in this state. Why is it a problem if they cut into your yard? ask yourself why to the answer 3 times or until you feel like you’ve gotten to the bottom of what’s happening. For example:

Why is it a problem for you? Because it isn’t their yard.

Why is that a problem? Because they shouldn’t cut things that aren’t theirs

Why is that a problem? they are invading my space.

Put that into a model

C: Neighbors cut a tree branch on our side of the fence

T: They are invading my space

F: defensive

A: react to my nervous system, go over to talk to them, get confrontational

R: I am invading their space.

Your other result is you are using a lot of mental space thinking about these neighbors. In this way you are actually inviting them to be in your yard mentally even when they are not there. They are cutting a few plants but you are making it into a lot of suffering for yourself. You are the one who has to feel terrible. Being aware of this doesn’t mean you allow them to continue this behaviour. It just means you own the part where you are adding drama. Feeling neutral doesn’t mean you don’t care, it means you don’t let it get to you. Which is totally possible.