Disagreeing and maintain connection

I have noticed that I have a thought that, in order to feel connected, the other person and I must share similar or the same views. I feel disconnected when we don’t.
I have noticed this in different relationships but most recently with my close friends. One is pregnant and the other has recently decided she wants to have a child (which is a big change as previously she hadn’t wanted children). My husband and I do not want to have children. I felt increasing disconnected as the day went on. I could feel myself withdrawing from the conversation, I couldn’t relate to their discussions and dreams of the future, and I struggled to find positive things to say. I am 35 and all of my friends and family now have children, are pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

Unintentional model
C: Not wanting children, friends wanting children
T: I am different /alone
F: Disconnected
A: Withdraw, say things that are positive but don’t feel authentic, reduce contact
R: ? (I struggle with the results line!)

I have heard Maisie say in coaching calls “is it okay if you disagree” (or something like that!) and I want my answer to be yes, it is. I want my friends to be happy and have what they want in life. I also want to feel connected to them. I did speak to them about my feeling of disconnection, they suggested not talking about pregnancy / babies, which I think would only exasperate the feeling of disconnection – this is their life forever now and I want to be part of it.

As I’m writing this I’m noticing a few things –
1. Honesty is an important value in my life and I feel I am not able to be honest as it is unsupportive and unhelpful to speak my truth when they are starting a family
2. Whilst I am worried about how I am coming across I am pleased that, while the judgement of myself for being different / wanting something different is hovering around, it is being met with compassion in my mind – it is natural to want to connect, it’s okay to want different things.
3. I recognize I have had an emotional time recently, receiving a chronic illness diagnosis and struggling with my health, and that this will also be playing a part

At present I am just trying to sit with the feelings, watch my actions without too much judgement or fear and give myself compassion.

Many thanks

 

 

Answer:

Beautiful self reflection. Celebrate you for bringing this here! Your result in this model is you continue to find evidence to prove your thought true. It’s like you’ve given your brain the job of noticing all the ways your life is different than your friends’. And it will do a wonderful job continuing to do this. Notice it.

Babies or no babies seems like a big deal to your brain right now, probably because of that judgement you do have lingering in there about your choices. It’s ok that you’re a bit emotional about it. It’s pretty understandable given the messages we get all through our lives. Try this exercise: Think about something else you have that is different than your friends. Perhaps it’s the kind of car you drive, your favorite place to vacation, what brand of cell phone you prefer or your favorite cola.  Does your preference cause you to feel disconnected in these cases? Why or why not?  What do you think about these differences in preference?

See what comes up and bring back your questions and models for more coaching.