Discernment in Parenting: Unintentional vs. Intentional Response to a Boundary Violation

In relation to the reflection I sent yesterday, I also did a model of that specific situation. I tried to create both an unintentional and an intentional model of the incident with my cousin and her partner.

It helped me realize that while many of the actions might remain the same, the thought creates a different feeling—and that shift alone can completely change the tone and outcome of the experience.

I’m not saying my feelings toward the decision to take my son to bed were wrong—those feelings came from a very real place of protectiveness and alarm. But I can see that if my initial thought had come from a place of self-trust and clarity, rather than fear and betrayal, I might have handled the situation with more grounded authority.

In the unintentional model, my actions were mostly driven by fear and the feeling of betrayal. In the intentional model, those same actions could have been driven by discernment.

C:
I receive a text from my cousin saying they are lying in bed in their pajamas with my son.

T:
They are taking advantage of my absence to create an inappropriate closeness with my son. He is being groomed, and I’m not there to protect him.

F:
Fear. Betrayal. Alarm.

A :
• Panic.
• Freeze, then act fast: send a text expressing discomfort and with intention to get back control
• Call friend to process and validate.
• Ruminate, try to build a “case” in my head.
• Try to justify and explain my own reaction..
• Second-guess: Am I overreacting?
• Go back, try to talk to cousin, feel the discomfort of avoidance and evasion.
• Accept the gift and letter even though I’m not okay with it.
• I withdraw for the following months after and avoid contact, get a stress response when contacted by my cousin

R:
I don’t know how to deal with the situation appropriatly. I feel unsafe, unseen, disconnected. See them as a threat to my sons safety and mine.

Intentional:

C:
I receive a text from my cousin saying they are lying in bed in their pajamas with my son.

T :
This shows me clearly that I cannot trust them with my child’s boundaries. I don’t need to gather more evidence—I already know enough.

F:
Clarity. Grounded. Protective.

A:
• Send a calm, direct text: “This is not what we agreed on. I’m not comfortable with my son being in your bed like that. I’m coming to pick him up now.”
• Go pick up my son.
• Do not engage in emotional discussion or seek validation.
• Decline the gift and letter: “I’m not comfortable accepting this right now.”
• Talk to my son later with calm curiosity.
• Let the experience inform future decisions—no more sleepovers or unsupervised visits.

R:
I affirm my authority and protect my son without collapsing into doubt or emotional overexertion. I move from reaction to aligned, grounded action.

Answer:

I would offer that fear, betrayal and alarm can also be coming from your nervous system. Yes, there may be some thoughts there but we don’t need to talk ourselves out of a survival response in regards to our children’s safety.

Why do you think you should have acted any differently? How does your reaction make perfect sense?