Doubts about my romantic relationship

I have been with my partner for 3 years and we own a house together. We have a good connection in many ways – we share some interests, we both love to have fun and be playful together, and we are quite open with our feelings and experiences.

However, I have always had regular periods of doubt about our relationship. They generally occur when I am in my autumn, but have been more regular since we bought a house together a year ago.

The main basis for the doubt is that my partner is not drawn to spirituality, whereas this is something I am drawn to intensely. He does not feel the need to really change and grow – or, not as intensely as I feel it. I find myself fantasising about a different, imaginary partner, who would understand me on a deeper level. Who would have done a lot of inner work, and be able to share that perspective with me, so we can support each other in growing and touching a sense of sacredness in every day life. When I have these imaginations, I feel distant from my partner. I am also prone to feeling unattracted to him, sometimes repulsed by him, when I perceive him being less mindful and “deep” as my ideal would be.

I have been working on this for the last few months. When I am able to accept him for who he is, we connect and it is very nourishing. This is also the case when I am able to look after my own needs for sacredness and depth – I.E. I pursue these things myself. He never has any problem with me doing this.

However, this doubt still comes up, and it comes up in quite an intense way. The doubt tells me I should just end it, now. Be done with it. Perhaps its a feeling of wanting to be fully authentic, and feeling held back from that by the relationship.

There are several reasons why I do not allow myself to really consider ending it. One is that I would clearly miss him a lot. Another is that logisitcally it would be a nightmare, and I really do not know how I would make the logistics work right now. In about a year, it will be easier, but my thought is that right now, it would be a big mess, and I don’t want to go through that. Another is, maybe the doubt is just a form of perfectionism that I am placing onto him.

I don’t want to leave yet. I might want to leave in the future, when its easier to do so. Can I authentically be in relationship whilst feeling like I might leave in the future? Is this authentic, or am I squashing something important?

 

Answer:

Only you can answer the question about the authenticity of your actions. I’d like you to consider the idea that you don’t feel repulsed, distant or unattracted to your partner because of his spiritual practice (or lack thereof), you have those feelings because of what you think about it and what it means for you. And there’s nothing wrong with choosing to have those thoughts if you like your reasons!
When we consider changing our circumstances, it’s important that we do the thought work around the circumstance first (barring threats to our lives and safety), otherwise our thoughts will come with us even if we’re in a different situation. What I’m seeing here is “If he only_____then I would be able to______.” “If I can wait a year, leaving him will be so much easier.” The reasons you are giving for why you feel the way you do are based on things out of your control, and are not necessarily true. If he did embrace a spiritual practice, and you still felt unattracted to him, then what? Or, if it still feels like it will be a messy separation in a year, then what? Your work is to be responsible for your thoughts and feelings right now. There is nothing wrong with feeling doubt, but it doesn’t tend to inspire the kind of action you need to take to have your own back. How do you want to feel about this situation (and it doesn’t need to be happy, joyful, clear…it could be curious, patient, willing, open)? Fill in the model from there.
C: Thoughts about leaving my partner
T:
F:
A:
R:
What comes up for you? Bring it back here for more coaching when you’re ready.