Dysfunction relationship with mother/parents

Hello there, I’ll give you a bit of backstory…

My relationship with my mum has always been turbulent. Around 8 yrs ago we found out some pretty sad stuff about her past that helped explain a lot about why her behaviour growing up was (and still is) so difficult.

I felt (and still do feel) a lot of pressure to manage her unpredictable behaviour. That same pressure was not put on my brother and my dad wouldn’t know how to back me up in arguments even though I could tell he felt uneasy about everything. Disagreeing with my mum was/is never worth the fight for him. She can be pretty scary when she loses her temper, and is very good at manipulating the situation, using guilt as a form of control. As an adult (and doing this work) I can see clearer that this is what’s going on, but struggled with that growing up. Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to better understand how her unprocessed childhood trauma has affected our family, and in particular my relationship with her.

A very typical story that plays out is: an argument starts by me disagreeing with my mum about something. It is clear I struggle to say it in a way that doesn’t hurt her (I’ve been paying close attention to how I say it, and hand on heart it’s not antagonistic… I’ve stopped drinking alcohol so I’m crystal clear on my delivery being pretty normal). However, no matter how gently I say it, she reacts by getting defensive/aggressive (I don’t think alcohol helps here. No judgement I know she needs it, but I know it only exacerbates the situation). She replies by saying something along the lines of ‘I see, your mother’s always wrong. Mum can never have an opinion’ etc etc. You can tell she’s very hurt by this, and my dad backs her up and says ‘don’t attack your mother’. It’s the same story every time. It’s very dramatised and not true. I disagree with what she is saying and feel I should be able to express that. As an adult I can see that. But as a kid it was hard and I spent a lot of time thinking I was a terrible person. Due to this, I still feel resentment towards her and them as a unit. Spending time with them together is hard work.

The older I get (and in doing this work) the more I can see they’re her issues and not mine (though I am also getting more aware of what dysfunctional behaviours I have picked up from her. I.e. becoming my issues too). I was working really hard at changing my thought pattern about her and putting a lot of energy into accepting her as she is and showing her compassion. But as I’ve been learning more and more about transgenerational trauma and basically being more aware about everything that’s going on, it brings up all the feelings of frustration/anger/resentment and it’s hard to spend quality time with her because it feels forced and fake. I’m not good at faking it and she can tell I don’t want to spend time with her.

The help I’d like with this is: how do I move forward and have a healthy relationship with her (and them as a unit)? I know it’s a big question! I feel resentment and a whole host of other emotions because it feels unfair, but ultimately I do want to have a relationship with them and I don’t want to hate them.

I’ve tried expressing this stuff and I also tried putting up boundaries with them (which haven’t existed previously and which I’m still learning how to do), but it is always met with guilt/blame being placed on me that I’m hurting them.

Here are two models I’ve tried. The intentional one just seems too far fetched right now so I will give the thought ladder system a go…

Unintentional model
C: Being blamed for upset caused by disagreeing with my mum
T: This is unfair
F: Resentment
A: Avoiding spending time with them
A: Not enjoying time with them
A: Wallowing
A: Going round in circles re-playing conversations
A: Buffering by eating rubbish
R: Continue to think of reasons why it’s unfair/ Feel sorry for myself/blame them for my feelings of guilt

Intentional model
C: Being blamed for upset caused by disagreeing with my mum
T: There’s a reason she reacts the way she does
F: Understanding
A: Enjoy their company more
A: Spend more time with them
A: Look after myself more
A: Have better self esteem
R: Have a better relationship with them through understanding her better

Writing all this out, I do feel I got to a better place with her previously, but part of me is worried that that was by ignoring so many of the problems. Doing the work and the problems becoming clearer makes it harder to ignore. But I’m also worried that not addressing them is the only way to have a relationship with her and it’s true that my desires always come back to wanting her to change. But I know that’s likely not going to happen and it’s not my place to put that on her anyway.

I guess maybe I’m choosing to feel guilt/resentment. It’s not actually being put on me. Though it feels like that. I think I’m going around in circles…

Thanks for all your help, I really appreciate it!

 

 

Answer:

What would you get to feel if you believed you had a healthy relationship with your mother/parents? What we’re all searching for is a feeling. But that gets really complicated when we add an entire lifetime of stories plus some expert opinions to it. Everything you’ve shared here is good information but it doesn’t have to stop you from getting what you want.

The way to a better realtionship is to clean up your thinking. You get to decide what a healthy relationship looks like. Your parents get to do what they do. Expect them to never change. Letting go of wishing they would will give you your of power back. Once you’ve accepted that reality, all you need to do is focus on yourself and who you want to be in this relationship. A relationship is your thoughts about another person. It really is that simple. Trust yourself. You can do this.  We’re here to support you. Bring your models and questions back to AAC as much as you need.