Dear Coach,
I’ve had something interesting come up while I was listening to the creating safety and somatics webinars that I’d like to be coached on.
My recent break up and the weeks leading up to it caused high levels of anxiety in me and although my partner assured me “that I hadn’t done anything wrong” his way of leaving (from one day to the other without even communicating with me) felt like he was escaping.
I have some deep rooted wounds from my previous relationship which was toxic and emotionally abusive. I was betrayed and manipulated in many ways and a lot of those things were triggered in this previous very loving relationship. Having gone through a lot of thought work and self development in the two years in between those two relationships I was very aware that I didn’t want to bring these things into this loving relationship and I self coached and talked to friends rather than “burden” my partner. But I still struggle with massive dysregulation when it comes to trust, my partner being around other women, not reassuring me enough. I try to lovingly accept this part of me and thank it for trying to keep me safe, but it is very hard to do so. How could I expect anyone else to love this part of myself if I can’t even do it myself?
Although I don’t know if this played any role in the break up, I had some interesting emotions come up working with my nervous system:
Most predominant: ANGER! I resent my previous partner for treating me like this, scarring me forever, I resent myself for letting me being treated like this for so long and not having the energy to leave him and look after myself earlier. I feel weak and lame for not having had the strength to resist his treatment. I feel RAGE that this might have caused my latest relationship to fail and I feel broken when I think that this might cause future relationships to suffer. I’m willing to take up full responsibility for my life, but why is it so hard to not resent the driver of the car that ran you over and left you paraplegic? Or why is it so hard to not resent yourself for not watching before you stepped out on the road?
I’m trying ladder thoughts. “I was in an abusive relationship” – F: Sadness . “I can heal”, F: Hopeful.
I’ve also noticed that I react very strongly to people in my environment who feel sorry for me – including my latest ex partner, who “is worried about me”. Again I’m experiencing strong ANGER. T: “Who are they to think that I need their pity.”
F: feeling belittled
T: ” Who is he to think that I don’t need space or break.”
F: anger
I’m trying:
T: ” These people are just expressing in their way that they care about me, not question my incapacity to cope.”
F: indifferent
As always there is a lot to uncover here. And working on my perfectionist tendencies, I’m just writing this mess of a message to reach out for some coaching.
Thank you!
Answer:
We love messy! Bringing all the honest parts of being a human here for coaching is a win. Thank you. First, stay present. So much of your story is about the past, and about the future. Just let yourself be angry and grieve this relationship. That will be much more manageable. Trust that you’ll be able to address your past when the time is right. Trust that your future will be exactly as it’s supposed to be, even if you can’t see it yet.
What if it’s nobody’s fault that you broke up? Not yours, not your previous partner’s, not your ex’s? The brain wants so badly to place blame so it knows what to protect itself from in the future. Play with the idea that we’re all just humans doing our best. People will come in and out of our lives. We’ll feel all the feelings.
What would be different if you allowed yourself to just be in the mess right now?