Emotional support expectations

I am struggling with knowing what the emotional boundaries and expectations should be for myself and my partner. I grew up with some pretty poor examples basically on the complete opposite of the emotional spectrum. I know that I have been someone who wants to rely on others to make me feel better or to take my hard emotions away when I don’t know how to deal with them or it feels like to much. This makes for a difficult and usually impossible relationship expectations and I’m working on trying to be more emotionally responsible but I keep getting stuck in just feeling like shit for being this way. My partner right now and I trying to give each other a break and are potentially going to be separating. My partner is also very internal with his emotions in that he does not like to talk about them and does not like to experience the emotions of others. This is difficult for me on it’s own but the thing that bothers me the most is that I can’t seem to figure what an emotionally supportive partner looks like, am I always asking too much or is it that my partner is really giving too little. I feel like if I keep my expectations where they are I will always be set up for failure but I also don’t want to compromise so much so that I feel unloved, unsupported and disconnected in my relationship. I really struggle with giving myself grace for who I am and the need to change myself because I am making myself so miserable. How do I find what good emotional support looks like without setting impossible expectations that no one but maybe myself could ever meet?

 

 

Answer:

First off, celebrate you for being right in the middle of truly figuring out what you want and who you want to be. It’s uncomfortable but it’s the uncomfortable that moves you forward and that is a good thing.

Look at the question you are asking: How do I find what good emotional support looks like without setting impossible expectations that no one but maybe myself could ever meet? Is this question serving you? How would you know if you found an answer? What do you think you would get to feel if you did answer it?

I would offer that it’s not what a relationship looks like but what it feels like that will tell you. Someone can do all the “right” things and you can still feel unsupported. Someone could be completely physically absent and you still feel strong support. And that is the part where you get to decide the story you tell and how you think to create your feelings. As for expectations, there is nothing wrong with finding a person that makes it easier to manage your thoughts. You are always allowed to make requests and you are always allowed to choose the person you are with. Just drop the part where you are setting yourself up for failure. What if you believed there are many people on this planet who you could share a life with and feel fully supported? Including your current partner if that’s what you choose. See what comes up as you explore this and bring back your questions and models. Episode 70 of the podcast Loving your Future Self might be a great episode to listen to as you work on this.