Emotions

Hello coaches,

I would really appreciate your thoughts on some work I’ve been doing recently observing my emotions, and specifically noticing my responses to other people’s emotions as a way of understanding how I may be responding to my own emotions.

Through this process, I’ve found it really exciting so far to find extra space in interactions, mainly with my husband as he is who I practice with/on most! And at the same time, there have been a few instances in the past few days that I would like some clarity on. Some cloudiness has come up when I’ve noticed the emotion arising and labelled it, and then as a result perhaps intellectualised it and then almost censored my expression. I’m wondering whether it may be related to my relationship with perceived negative emotions and my comfort (or discomfort!) in expressing them- which is something I’d like to explore.

An example- my husband shrunk my merino wool jumper (C: jumper shrunk in wash). I felt and noticed the emotions arising: anger (repeating rising waves) and frustration (like sandpaper in my chest). But my husband was truly sorry and there was nothing I could say to help him avoid this situation in future because he knows already (very much not the first jumper shrinkage..!!), and so it felt like I needed to express these emotions but I also knew that it wouldn’t help the situation to do so through words and I felt a bit stuck. Looking back, a few thoughts occur to me: was I giving the emotions enough time to be there and then pass? I could have danced or sung loudly as alternative ways of expressing these emotions that felt like they needed to come out! I ended up intentionally removing myself from the situation and I was proud that we were able to have a lovely afternoon together when the emotions passed (mainly by using the thought “I don’t want to have attachments to material items”), where previously I may have become activated and then focused on other issues not related to the jumper (or my husband!!), I may have withdrawn, gone into dorsal and perhaps self-pity mode!

I’m wondering whether this kind of example is slightly similar to jumping straight to an intentional model rather than staying with the feeling/ sensation for long enough.

Answer:

Well, I can tell you what my thoughts are, but what’s more powerful is for you to just examine this model and these actions and check in with yourself. Were you trying to move on from something uncomfortable so you could feel something – anything – different, or did you move through something uncomfortable by doing something new that seems like a big leap? When you answer this, how does it feel in your body? What if you decided to trust your actions?

A way to examine this through a more data focused lens is to do an evaluation of the situation by asking yourself four questions:

What worked?
What didn’t work?
What do I want to do differently next time?
What support do I need to do that?

Either way, it sounds to me like there is cause for celebrating yourself for this! You’re a rockstar!