Empathy blank

Hi,

My partner recently received word that his Grandma has terminal cancer with only weeks to live. He was very upset about this and I found it really difficult to offer much comfort or support.

Rather than being able to focus on his needs I went down a rabbit hole of my own thinking I don’t know what to say, why don’t I know what to say, there must be something wrong with me, I have no empathy, I am a terrible person, someone else would know exactly what to say. Round and round in a loop.

I don’t think I am a terrible person but the total empathy blank I had shocked me although it is something I experienced before.

Do you have advice how I can start to unpick this without sending myself spinning again? Or any tips on how I can start to practice feeling more empathy?

Thanks.

Answer:

Is it possible that you are wrong about your lack of empathy? The definition of an empath is someone who can understand and share the feelings of another. It doesn’t mean being able to offer exactly the right support or having the right words to share when someone receives upsetting news. You know this is upsetting to him, and I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you can understand why. Perhaps you’re more empathetic than you give yourself credit for (many people socialized as women are).
What sent you spinning was your thoughts about you  – there must be something wrong with me, I’m a terrible person. What if you’re a person who struggles when someone you care for and love receives difficult news because it’s uncomfortable to see someone else’s pain? What if that’s not a problem, or an indication of what kind of person you are…but an area that you can investigate and work on because it’s empowering to you? Let us know what you think about that in a follow up submission titled, “Empathy pt. 2”.