Envy/Jealousy towards other women in my relationship

I’m really struggling with big feelings of low self worth, envy, jealousy, competitiveness towards other women.
This is particularly activated when the women are friends or acquaintances of my partner. How can I support myself best when these feelings arise? Is there a way for them to arise less frequently and less severity?

Me and my partner have become quite isolated in our monogamous relationship. We’ve been together a year now and the majority of the time i would say even 90% of the time we hang out is one to one.

One of his closest female friends (who is also a friend of mine but not as close) told me she felt jelous in the moment when I first told her that I started dating my boyfriend. (about a year ago)
Later in the relationship she told my boyfriend that she had sexual attraction to my boyfriend, and that it was causing her issues with her partner so she needed to take space from my boyfriend, and they both did not tell me about this at the time. I later expressed to my partner that I felt jealous of his connection with her and I requested if he would tell me a bit more about it so I could understand it better, he did not share about her sexual feelings for him as he said this was confidential which i think is partly valid although part of me also feels that they should have spoken to me about it as we are all friends and I felt betrayed. So i feel a bit distrusting now that they both wouldnt share with me if something like this happens again. I spoke to her on the phone and she explained more about her sexual attraction towards my boyfriend but she stated clearly that she didnt want to have sex with him and that she was in love with her partner.
Since then her and her partner have split up and she has hung out with my boyfriend and I have felt a bit uncomfortable. I shared this with my boyfriend and I said that I felt like they had some bigger deeper connection and that i was concerned because she had split up with her boyfriend. My partner said maybe he needed to put more boundaries in place with her within their relationship.

I recently got in touch with her to say we were going to be visiting her area. She told me that she had invited my boyfriend horseriding and said that “im open that other people come too”. I replied that Id wanted to go for years and yes i definitely wanted to come. She then replied that she might actually want to spend some one to one time with my boyfriend because he is “one of her besies and she is going away travelling for 5 months”.

I replied saying that I felt activated and jelous and that i felt there was an unspoken competiveness and power dynamic in my relationship towards her. I said that it was valid that they might want to spend some one to one time (she said she would also ask my boyfriend wha he wanted) together and that if they did then i would book to go horse trekking at another place.

I perceive this woman as very powerful. She is a musician and very intellectual and philosophical. I feel like her relationship meets needs that i cannot in my boyfriend and this brings up a lot of pain. I feel a lot of pain that me and my boyfriend struggle to connect intellectually and philosophically through conversation and I know he does with this woman because they have made 2 podcasts together. I also long to be an artist and musician but i feel im shit and dont put enough effort in and lack confidence and this woman has been in bands since she was 13 and is a very gifted musician.

Im so angry and frustrated at myself for all this comparitive thinking, this is how i am with so many of my sisters and its soo frustrating and painful, im so sick of feeling this way. I dont kow how to change it, it always comes up. and since my dad has been ill this year those feelings have intensified.

Any coaching welcome.
Thank you

 

 

Answer:

It doesn’t just come up. You are creating it with your thoughts not about other women or your sisters, but about you. Until you see what’s happening within yourself and address it, you will continue to feel jealousy no matter what the situation. The result you get from this kind of insecurity generally is to create what you are most worried about. Of course he didn’t tell you his friend said she was attracted to him…he knew how you would react. You are making that mean you should distrust him. What else could it mean?

Look at the facts…you are with your boyfriend. You spend 90% of your time together.  What else can you see as evidence that he’s committed to your relationship.  You have decided you need to be a musician and connect intellectually and phylosophically like he and this friend do to be enough for him. Is that true? The way to lessen these feelings is to look them in the face and take ownership over them. You are creating them. That means you also can drop them any time you want to. You’ve said you are tired of feeling this way. It’s the perfect time to figure this out, and what a great opportunity to practice you have coming up.

C: boyfriend and friend go horse riding together

T: what do you want to think about it?

F: How do you want to feel?

A: how do you want to show up? What will you do and not do?

R: What do you want YOUR result to be?