Expanding my social life and community

Hello dear coach,
I am feeling quite lonely tonight. My partner is away and I’ve been somewhat buffering to get away from what is coming up. Here’s a thought download and two models.

I would love to get some coaching on expanding my friendships and community.
A running theme in my life is I tend to prioritize work and time alone to recover from the stress of life. I am fine spending a lot of time on my own and I need it. I’ve recently started on a lighter work schedule and have found myself with more time on my hands. I would love to use this time to create connections and a sense of community in my life. What’s coming up is I do feel lonely at times and I am deeply longing for deeper connections.
The theme I’ve chosen for this season is to simplify my life. I am not exactly sure how to explain what I mean by that but it’s about doing what works and sort going for what I want to do or needs to get done without overthinking it instead of staying in paralysis.

A fairly straightforward first step I thought about is letting my friends know I actually want to spend more time with them. But I somehow feel resistance towards the idea – I think because of fear of being rejected. It took some effort but last night I texted a good friend of mine to ask what her plans for the weekend were. She replied she already had plans incl. a potential bike ride. Though she didn’t to offer for me to join, I replied I would be keen to come with her on the bike ride. She then explained she’s going with a group of friends, and that they all will be on race bikes, aiming for 80km and 1500m elevation which I immediately thought was quite a significant distance and elevation for me. Other thoughts that popped up were “This is so cool”, “I wish I was doing this kind of things”, but also “I can’t do that” because “I am not able to do that/not in shape for that”, “I don’t own a race bike”, and “I am getting surgery in a couple months for a painful hip issue so there is no point”.

C: I texted my friend and she replied she already has plans for the weekend.
T: I don’t belong in her plans.
F: sad, hurt
S: small, inward and downward looking
A: I don’t reply. I don’t try to find alternative weekend activities.
R: I don’t expand connections with my friends.

I am going to stop at this UM, I don’t feel ready just now to move to an IM.

That night I texted another good friend as well.

C. I texted my friend to make weekend plans and she didn’t reply.
T. She doesn’t care about our friendship.
F: sad, hurt
A: Give up on finding other weekend plans. Turning away from the situation.
R: ? Not sure

That friend cancelled a weekend we had booked to spend together the night before a couple of weeks back. As we were the messaging to try and find a new date, she didn’t reply to my last propositions (incl. last night).
I know she means well but I am starting to feel hurt by her acting like that.

I realize what I am doing here is sort of trying to prove myself right that I don’t belong in my friends’ plans.

I am looking forward to your advice on getting unstuck or any other advice you might have. I know this is a lot of information, so maybe there’s also some clarity to be gained. Thank you so much.

PS I am also very much looking forward to get coaching on this topic with Jewel when she’ll hold a call in the membership.

 

Answer:

 

Sometimes when we’re not ready to jump into another model, the simplest and most revealing question we can ask ourselves is this: Is the thought in my UM 100% absolutely, undeniably true? Why or why not?

Let’s examine this hunch that you are trying to prove yourself right that you don’t belong in your friends’ plans…what do you have to gain from doing that?

Notice what comes up for you in either or both of these exercises and bring it back to us for more coaching.