Expectations around parenting

Please can you help me unpick this thought:
The reason why I am dysregulated most of the time is because my parents did the bare minimum. They did what was convenient for them and their nervous system not thinking about the development of mine.

C: My parenting style
T: Doing the bare minimum will not be enough for my kids to develop a healthy nervous system (one that is more balanced than mine)
F: Pressure
A: I push myself to “perform as a parent” until I go into freeze and withdraw from my kids
R: My kids have a mother that is withdrawn.

C: My parenting style
T: I can screw up my kids
F: Pressure
A: I push myself to “perform as a parent” until I go into freeze and withdraw from my kids
R: My kids have a mother that is withdrawn.

So I tried to put this in a model and I can definitely see how this thought isn’t serving me. However, I’m quite attached to it and my brain is fighting me like with no other thought before. I have recently learned about the scientific findings on the early nervous system development and the link to early childhood experiences (with parents). So something like: “parents have an influence on their child’s nervous system development”or “parents are responsible for their kids” is not a thought, is it?

I understand that it doesn’t make any sense to expect more from myself than I can give. But I also don’t want to perpetuate the viscous cycle. (I can see that this is quite a loaded statement.) However, the recommendation to “lower my expectations around parenting to let the kids eat and sleep” in order to focus on my own regulation really triggers me because there is this direct link between my self regulation and the kids’ regulation now and in the future. How can I unpick this?

 

 

Answer:

Lovely job with your models and noticing how your thoughts are affecting your parenting. Make sure the results are your results. It’s what you create for yourself. I would offer

R: I don’t take care of my own nervous sytem

R: I screw up my parenting

In both these models you are not the parent you want to be. The good news is that although we can’t control exactly how our children turn out or exactly how their nervous systems turn out, we can ease in to becoming the parent we want to be.

You never have to use a thought or a concept that doesn’t resonate with you, ever. Just throw it out. If you don’t like lowering your expectations you don’t have to.  Simply start with taking the spoons you are spending blaming your parents and worrying about your kids back. It is exhausting spending so much time in the past and in the future.  Focus on you, right here, right now. Have compassion for yourself. Make a list of the top 10 things you want to teach your children by the time they reach adulthood. Nervous system regulation could be one of them. See what comes up and bring it back for more coaching.