Expectations in my relationship 2

This task turned out to be super messy for me – I hope I managed to express all this clear enough nonetheless…

My list of expectations on what he should remember and reasons for them:
1. Details about my plans in the upcoming months (e.g., what I tell him about my summer job) – I want to feel appreciated, I want to be seen, I want to feel listened to, if he doesn’t remember things I was excited about when telling him I feel like he doesn’t care
2. Bigger events of my upcoming week (e.g., presentations, exams) – I always remember his schedule, wish him good luck etc., it gives me a feeling of me giving more than I get in return (something that I am afraid of because my mum gives so much and doesn’t get anything in return and I really don’t want to live my life that way)
3. Right terms (e.g., after 4 months he still mixes student bar up with parties at a common room – one is a place to go out with a bar and lots of people, the other is a party with close friends in a private common room) – Misunderstandings, we might think of completely different things which might lead to a conflict later – at least for me it would be important to know if he goes out to a club or is drinking beer at his best friend’s house
4. Events where we bought tickets to together/other planned events (if not remember at least put the event into the calendar (and check it once in a while)) – I feel unimportant if I have to remind him of every event we are going to together, it feels like these events are not important enough to him to remember them, additionally it makes me feel uneasy (I am a very structured person, I have a clear schedule, I struggle without a schedule)
5. Details (about literally everything) I told him – I am afraid to be wronged for something I didn’t do because he remembered differently and told a different story than the one that had actually happened, I lose control over the story, he might form a wrong opinion about me and other people might form a wrong opinion about me because he tells something differently because he doesn’t remember correctly
6. Remembering past events correctly (situations with me in them) – same reasons as point 5

Examining the list made me realise that I more or less expect him to remember everything I tell him. Reading through my reasons for the expectations I think my self-confidence is a big factor in all this – I feel threatened in one way or another if he doesn’t remember things or doesn’t remember them correctly and I switch into high alert mode immediately. This also makes it difficult to resolve the situation or even continue the conversation.

I think I’d like to work on moving from feeling threatened to simply being annoyed or a bit more neutral. This would mean that I don’t make it mean so much about myself if he doesn’t remember and would make it easier to move on instead of getting stuck on tiny details. For the moment, I think this would also feel more achievable than crossing some of my expectations of the list. What do you think about that?

 

Answer:

We love messy. Let it be what it is for now and celebrate yourself for being willing to explore this. What a gift to yourself! I would offer that you take a moment if you can to breathe, place your hand on your heart and ask yourself the question you asked us.  What do YOU think about “moving from feeling threatened to simply being annoyed or a bit more neutral. This would mean that I don’t make it mean so much about myself if he doesn’t remember and would make it easier to move on instead of getting stuck on tiny details?”

If it resonates with you, I would offer that you do some exploring about what is threatening. You’ve already got some good ones here, but make a list. What are you most afraid of when your boyfriend forgets things? Write it all down.  What emotion are you most afraid of feeling? See what comes up and bring back any questions or models.

Bonus:Put your hand back on your heart and give yourself some love. Right now, just as you are. If it’s available, send some to your boyfriend as well. Jut as he is.