External Processing & Forgetfulness Affecting my Partner

Thought download:

My partner frequently tells me (at least once a month) a couple of things that activate and frustrate me. This has been happening more frequently (at least once a week) over the summer as this is high season for his business and he is more stressed.

He tells me that my forgetfulness and clumsiness, and tendency to blurt out things without thinking, cause him extra work and are adding to his stress in this high season. He give the example of when I forget to do something I said I would do, he ends up having to do it on top of what he already had to do.

I have found evidence of my forgetfulness in the past. I notice the difficulty have have recalling detailed information I have been told. I have also noticed how I forget to do tasks that I committed to doing, perhaps as they didn’t feel important.

I have also observed myself processing my thoughts and feelings externally and narrating what I need to do. I think this is probably how I try to remember things. This behaviour allows me to feel unburdened, and perhaps how I self- regulate but it is apparently irritating and affecting my partner

My partner’s MO is to be efficient and effective, and search for ways to be productive that save energy.

My MO is to start from scratch and in what I perceive to be the “right” order and I often forego elements that could save me time or I just don’t think of them.

My people-pleasing tendencies really kick in then. For example I carefully craft a message with everything thought through, before sending it to him so he has all the info. Constantly anticipating how he is going to react is exhausting.

I feel like my throat and chest are constricted when I think of how he will interpret what I am saying as being stressful.

Through thought work I realise that his “feeling stressed because of what I am saying” is about him and his thoughts, and feelings.
I am aware that his feeling stressed is not my responsibility, but I would still like to be able to support him with out totally erasing that aspect of my personality.

Is it reasonable for him to ask that I work on my forgetfulness and reign in my external processing, as a way to be supportive to him at least during this high stress period, if not the rest of the year?

Unintentional Model #1

C: Partner tells me my forgetfulness and external processing cause him extra work and stress
T: I am being annoying
F: Guilty
S: Constricted through and chest
A: People Please, self-censor,
R: Ruminate on how unfair it is of him to put the responsibility of his stress on me

Intentional Model #1

C: Partner tells me my forgetfulness and external processing cause him extra work and stress
T: How he deals with his stress is his responsibility
F: Empathy
S: Warmth in my chest
A: ???
R: ???

—

Unintentional Model #2

C: ????
T: This thought needs to be vocalised to be real and acknowledged
F: Needing to explode
S: Blocked chest
A: Process my thoughts externally
R: Feeling grounded

Intentional Model 2:

C: ??
T: My thoughts and feelings are real even if I don’t say them out load.
F: Self-validation
S: Light
A: Process my thoughts using a thought download and model
R: Feeling grounded

 

 

Answer:

In your first model, another result could be R: I am annoyed with him.  How could this be true? How does it affect your life when you are annoyed with your partner? How can you have empathy for what your partner is experiencing? Being a human is hard! Being a human living with another human can be challenging at times. The question is, what now?

Sometimes we get caught up in all or nothing thinking. Right now, what two options is your brain offering you?

How is it keeping you stuck to think this way?

I like to think of relationship issues in this way: Instead of trying to fix one another, focus on fixing the problem. You both probably want the same thing. What is it? What are your values? How can you work together to create the life you want? How can you become the partner you truly want to be? You don’t have to change who you are to create this. Use your inner wisdom and your heart. It won’t lead you wrong.

See what comes up as you explore and possibly discuss with your partner. Bring back any questions or models you have for more coaching.