Family boundaries

My parents have an anniversary dinner that I said no to as it was asked last minute and clashed with an art course I love attending each week. It was easy to say no as my husband was also away on a conference so neither of us could go. My husband has now cancelled his conference for his own reasons but this now makes it harder for me to say no to my the dinner as my mum will say I could just miss my class once. I really don’t want to miss it as there are only 4 left and I have paid already and love it. I know my parents will ask my partner about the conference so they will find out he didn’t go. I don’t know how to tell them I can’t make it still as my class doesn’t feel like a good enough excuse.

C – My husband’s change of plans makes him available to a family dinner.
T – It makes it harder for me to say no
F- Anger
A- I skip my class to please my parents
-I ask my husband to lie to my parents though this goes against my values
-I procrastinate on deciding what to do
R – I miss out on what mattered to me and resent my family.

My intentional model was

C My husband’s change of plans makes him available to a family dinner.
T- I don’t have to go if I don’t want
F- guilt
A I delay/procrastinate
I ask my husband to lie
I struggle to find an excuse but go to my class
R – I hurt my parents and feel selfish so don’t even enjoy my class

Answer:

Let’s take a look at your IM. The T line doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the model…what thought is truly creating the feeling of guilt for you? Also, I wonder why you’re calling this your IM since most of the A line is the same as your UM. The intentional model is what you’re deciding to do on purpose. You’re allowed to feel guilt with intention, and ask people to lie for you, and procrastinate, but is that the place that you want to decide to be in this situation?
Let’s actually start with your A-line. What if you put “declining the invitation to dinner with parents” in your a line? What would you need to feel to say that or some version of that? What thoughts create that feeling? What result would you create? Come back to us for more coaching when you’re ready in a submission titled, “Family boundaries pt. 2”.