Family Gathering

Hello Amazing Coaches! I live in the U.S., and next week is Thanksgiving. I usually spend this holiday with family that I love and adore who feel very safe and loving to me. I just found out that this year some of our other relatives will also be attending. These particular relatives are very challenging for me, and I immediately noticed my nervous system activate when I got that news. These relatives have been challenging for me since I was a kid and I am well into adulthood now–we see the world very differently, and I feel a lot of judgment from them. I believe they’ve always seen me as difficult and as an adult I think I’ve tried to prove them wrong about that. I want to approach this year differently. I don’t want my behavior to be so dependent on them AND I want to make sure that I attune to my nervous system to help me feel safe. I am a bit stuck on how to do that and would welcome your input! Follow up question, during this family gathering we are all together in a very small house. I travel to see them so I will be staying there multiple nights. I am very sensitive to sensory input and others feelings, so it is a lot for me to be up there in general let alone with challenging family members present. I feel like I need breaks from all of that but there just isn’t a place to take breaks when I’m there. I open to any and all ideas and suggestions to help navigate that. Thank you!

 

Answer:

GREAT submission, I can almost guarantee that you are not the only one who is anticipating this kind of family gathering this holiday season, so thank you for bringing this up! So the result that you’d like to create is an attuned nervous system. What actions help you attune your nervous system to a place of safety? What would you have to feel to take those actions? What thoughts create those feelings? Think about how you can apply this information to yourself during the times when you need breaks from the sensory input you’re receiving and the energy of others? Where can you take yourself to help you regulate? Outside? Into your headphones? Into a vehicle?

I think it’s really important to remember that the goal of working with your nervous system is not to always be in a ventral vagal state just as the goal of working on yourself is not to always feel happy or content. The goal is to improve how we respond when we notice ourselves dipping into a place on the autonomic ladder that feels unsafe and checking in – am I in an unsafe situation? What would help me climb the ladder? What am I making this mean and is that true? So, if and when things feel hard during the holiday, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Your body is giving you feedback and what you do with that feedback is what matters. Take some time to watch the Creating Safety webinar in the Cycle Toolkit and Victoria Albina’s Somatics webinar in the Bonuses before your holiday. Come back with what you come up with for more coaching on it when you’re ready in a submission titled, “Family Gathering pt. 2”.